Secrets and Lies
by Liv4Tuck2016
Summary: Olivia's poor choices have caused a spiral of events that will change her life forever. Will she be able to recover from the mess she's made? Or will she lose everything that's had meaning in her life? It's really up to her. (takes place after Manhattan Transfer, but before whatever the writers have planned after. It's time for her to see the truth.)
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note-I have seen so many tweets/posts/etc. about Wednesday night's show that I just had to write a story about Olivia's poor decisions and how it has led to changes she might never be able to fix. So, here it is. Please review so I can add more chapters.**

 **This is dedicated to all the people in the fandom who cannot seem to fathom any ship but their own. If you hate Tuckson, don't give up on this so soon. Other fan-favorites will make appearances, don't worry. Olivia needs all the help she can get!**

 **Oh, and I don't own anyone. I am just borrowing them so I can play around with their make-believe lives for a while. ;)**

She tossed the last of her things into the box and closed the lid. Looking around the office that had never quite felt like home, she realized now how much she'd miss it. She often thought the office would never really be hers, that her old desk in the squad-room was more her style, but with recent remodeling and so many changes in staffing, she'd finally started to accept that she was in the right place. Now it was gone. Her body shook and her arms felt like jello as she lifted one box on top of the other and headed for the door. She turned and put them back on the desk, afraid she'd drop them and she couldn't afford to make a scene like that…not now. Instead she cleared her throat, took a few deep breaths, and rubbed her blood-shot eyes to cover up any sign of the tears she'd shed. She didn't belong here now, but she didn't need anyone's pity either. She'd created this mess, and it was time to accept there was no way out.

She grabbed the boxes again, this time with a little more strength, and opened the door, keeping her eyes toward the floor as she walked to the elevator. Were they staring at her? She assumed they were but she didn't want to know. The less she saw on her way out, the better. She almost expected someone to say her name…Rollins or Carisi to call after her and vow to prove her innocence and get her back…but no one did and that was when she knew…her time in SVU was over. She'd watched her friends leave one by one over the years until she had none left, and now she was gone too. Maybe it was the circle of life…but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. Reaching the parking lot and tossing the boxes into the back seat of her car, she slid behind the wheel and looked at the building with tear-blurred eyes. It felt like the end…but this was far from over, and she knew it. Things were going downhill fast, and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

She opened the door to her apartment, and sat the boxes on the floor inside the doorway. Lucy was sitting on the sofa watching TV, and clicked it off. "Noah's asleep," the young woman smiled and grabbed her coat, pulling it on. "He wanted you to read him a story, but he finally gave in and dozed off."

"Thanks…" Olivia's voice was raspy and it was obvious the nanny noticed something was wrong. "I appreciate you coming over on such short notice."

"Sure," Lucy replied, and it was clear she was debating whether or not to ask what was wrong. "Do you still need me to get him from daycare tomorrow?" she asked, in an attempt to gauge the situation.

"I don't think so," Olivia answered, doing her best not to show how upset she was. "I'm taking a little time off from work. I have a new assignment starting next week, so I just want to spend time with Noah right now."

"A new assignment?" Lucy asked, trying not to be pushy, but it was apparent something bad had happened.

"Yeah," Olivia forced a weak smile that looked almost painful. "I won't be at SVU anymore, but I'm ready for something new." She could tell Lucy didn't believe her, was likely worried about her, and she hated when people worried over her. "I'm fine…" she said with a bit too much enthusiasm. "Really…enjoy your time off and we'll see you next week."

"Okay," Lucy's voice was almost a whisper as she walked to the door. She glanced at the boxes, and then back at Olivia, "Take care of yourself," she said, opening the door. "You can call me if you need me to watch Noah…or…if you want to talk to someone…"

"Thanks," Olivia smiled more genuinely this time as she closed the door behind Lucy. Then she leaned against it, letting her tears come and not even trying to stop them. This is what her life had come to…the only person who cared what happened to her tonight was a twenty year old girl she paid to take care of her child because she didn't have the time to do it herself. Where were all her friends now? She told herself she didn't need them anyway, but in her heart she would've given anything to have someone to talk to right now...someone to hug her and tell her things would be okay…someone to help her face her role in this mess, yet still love her and care about her through it all. But she'd lost anyone in her life who could've done that for her, and now she was on her own.

She walked to Noah's room and peeked in on him. He was sleeping soundly and she wanted nothing more than to pick him up, to cuddle him in her arms, but she knew she shouldn't wake him. So she stood there and watched him sleep until she was sure he'd wake at any moment if she didn't leave, and she closed the bedroom door and made her way to the kitchen. She grabbed a glass and a bottle of wine, moving slowly under the weight of her emotions, and flopping back on the sofa. She opened the wine and poured a glass, taking a small sip and then a longer drink and then another. She'd been drinking too much, for too long, and she knew it. She wasn't sure exactly when it had started, but now it seemed to be a part of her, and it scared her. She could go days without drinking, but then a bad day or a tough case would happen, and it was like the need for it would overtake her and drinking was the only thing that would take her pain away. She didn't want to be her mother. Noah deserved better than that. The alcohol burned her throat and it made her sick as it reached her stomach, something that had been happening more often than not lately, and she put the half-empty glass on the table next to the mostly-full bottle. _Are you involved with him?_ Barba's voice echoed in her mind, along with the vision of his pain-stricken face at the realization that she was defending Tucker because she was sleeping with him. Barba had turned her in, there was no doubt in her mind, but she didn't blame him. She'd given him no choice. She curled up on the sofa and cried, staring at the peaceful image of her son on the baby monitor and wishing she was a better mother, a better cop, a better person. No wonder everyone walked out of her life. She gave them no choice.

She jerked awake, not sure why at first, but then the persistent banging at the door forced her to complete wakefulness. She pulled herself up from the sofa, wiping the sleep from her heavy eye-lids and made her way to the door, looking through the peep hole. She pulled it open, "Ed…what are you doing here?" she asked and he walked in without an invitation.

"I heard what happened," his voice was solemn but stern. "I'm sorry…I really am…"

Olivia shrugged and made her way back to the sofa, sitting down while Tucker followed and situated himself on the other end, far enough away from her that she knew he was questioning whether her dismissal from SVU would eventually lead to his dismissal from her life. "I'm fine…" she said, in a tone that would let anyone who knew her well know that she was far from it.

He looked at the wine bottle and the half-empty glass on the table and then back at her, "So…did that help…drinking your problems away?"

"I didn't," she insisted, standing to her feet and taking the glass and bottle into the kitchen. She put them on the counter, leaning over it as a wave a nausea and dizziness took her by surprise. Tucker was at her side in no time, grabbing her arm to steady her.

"Really?" he asked with a disbelieving snicker. "You're hung-over…" he shook his head. "Your kid is asleep in the next room. What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm not hung-over," she argued, pulling away from his grasp. "And my drinking isn't any of your concern. You don't have to keep dibs on me anymore. You're not IAB."

"That was a low blow, Olivia," his voice sounded more angry than hurt. "I don't want to see you destroy yourself…not over this."

"I'm not," she insisted, but she couldn't find the words to continue. She felt weak and her body quivered as the bile rose to the back of her throat. "I'm…uh…" she didn't finish speaking as she rushed off and left him standing in the kitchen. Through the retching, she tried to be as quiet as possible. She didn't want to wake Noah and she didn't need Tucker hearing her throw up, but there was no way to mask the violent heaves. She hadn't even had much wine the night before, but for a while now anytime she'd had anything to drink she'd spent the following morning with her head in the toilet. She'd let her mind wander to the various possibilities…the alcohol had done serious internal damage, she was going to die from cirrhosis or liver cancer or some other liquor-induced ailment…but then other days she was fine and felt perfectly healthy and managed to convince herself that the drinking wasn't really anything to worry about. She was smart enough to know that justifying her drinking when it was obviously damaging her livelihood was a sure-fire sign she needed help, but she was too scared to seek it. She'd convinced herself she could fix her problem on her own if she tried hard enough.

"Olivia…" there was a soft tap at the door, followed by a concerned plea from Tucker. "Are you okay in there? Can I come in?"

"I'll be out in a minute," she gasped, leaning back against the tile wall and trying to find the strength to stand up. She pulled herself up to the sink, splashing water on her face and rinsing her mouth, avoiding the mirror because she couldn't look herself in the eyes. Then she flushed the toilet and opened the door, pushing past Tucker and into the living room where she avoided the situation by picking up Noah's toys and putting them in the toy box.

"Hey," Tucker stood behind her and when she wouldn't look at him he grabbed her more forcefully than he meant to and turned her toward him, "What the hell is going on here, Olivia?"

"What's going on?" she sputtered. "My life is over. I've lost everything…and I'm a fucking alcoholic…I've let down anyone who has ever cared about me…and now I'm doing the same thing to Noah…"

"I want to help you," he sounded sincere, but she questioned whether or not he was. "I don't want to see you hurting."

"You don't want to see me hurting?" she snickered.

"Of course not," his tone was rough as his eyes shifted to a questioning slant. "You know that, right? I want what's best for you in all this...I never wanted you to lose your job. I never wanted you to take the fall for something I'm accused of." He knew she didn't believe him. "Olivia...I mean it. I never wanted you to get hurt."

"Then why did you do this to me?" she asked, her eyes flooded with tears. "And why the hell did I let you?"

 **tbc**


	2. Chapter 2

**Here is some more, to reward those of you who took the time to review. Like I said before, I believe Olivia is to blame for her dismissal from SVU. Why? Regardless of anyone's feelings about Tucker she should have disclosed their relationship. Huge conflict of interest. As to what is really going on here beyond that? Hmmm...you'll have to keep reading. Not many answers here, but at least Fin is back.**

 **Please let me know what you are thinking.**

She hated her tiny cubicle with the brown cork walls and unlike her new coworkers who had decorated their spaces with pictures of their children, whitty political cartoons, and inspirational quotes, Olivia chose to leave her work area completely empty. No one knew her here, not the real her anyway, and they didn't need to learn anything more than they'd seen when she used to give press conferences or her name made it into the media for some crime, either one she was investigating or one where she was the victim. She refused to give them anything more. She wasn't going to be here long anyway. She'd made that decision from the moment she walked in the door and had been bombarded by a much-too-cheery officer with an apparent fan-girl crush on her. _She was so excited to meet her…and she'd followed her cases for years…and what was it like to be kidnapped and tortured and then return to the job helping others just like her._ Olivia had smiled and given short one-word answers, but in that moment she knew she couldn't stay there. She'd quit the force completely if it came to it, but she hoped it wouldn't.

She reread the press release she was typing…a short notice to the New York City Public Schools about how to combat bullying both on campus and off, complete with a list of community resources and help the NYPD could give by conducting workshops within the schools. It didn't feel much like police work to her, but she supposed someone had to do it, and she made it home by 5:30 every night so that was a perk. No late-night wake up calls, no victims, no perps to chase down. She was both relieved and bored out of her mind.

"These came for you…" the same perky officer was beside her desk carrying a vase of roses, a child-like grin plastered to her face. "They're so pretty…you must have an amazing husband."

Olivia took the flowers, and rolled her eyes. She sat them on the corner of her desk without reading the card, embarrassed that their presence would do nothing more than attract attention to her. "Thanks," she dismissed the young woman without even looking at her, but the young officer was either oblivious to the fact that Olivia wanted her out of her hair or she didn't really care.

"So, how old is your little boy?" she asked.

"How did you know I have a child?" Olivia asked, confused by the woman's approach.

"Your laptop," she smiled and pointed to it. "He's your background photo. Why don't you hang pictures of him on your walls? It would brighten this place up a bit. Does he look like his daddy, because my daughter looks exactly like my husband and it's just so sweet."

"He's two," Olivia answered, closing her laptop and looking the woman in the eye. "And I don't want pictures of him hanging up here, because I don't want complete strangers in my business or asking questions about my little boy or my personal life. Do you understand?"

The woman nodded, and her face went from happy to suspicious. "I heard you were kind of a bitch," she snickered. "But I always try to give people the benefit of the doubt. Let me give you some advice…you wanna make it here in Community Affairs, you need to get off your high-horse and accept where you are. We're all here because we believe in what we do. We know you're here because you did something to get yourself demoted. We don't have to put up with your shit."

Olivia watched her walk away, the tiniest twinge of guilt forming in the pit of her stomach, but all she could do was suppress it and move on. She didn't want to make it in Community Affairs, so who cared what they thought of her. She opened her laptop, quickly sending the press release and then pulled the card from her roses and read it. _Just wanted to check in on you. I'm sorry about the other day. Let's go to dinner tonight? ~Ed_ She wasn't sure she even wanted to respond to his request because the thought of facing him again made her nauseous.

"So, who sent the flowers?" the voice startled her and she looked up to see Fin staring at her, a mischievous grin on his face and she had never been happier to see someone in her life.

"Fin," she jumped to her feet and stared him in the eyes. "What are you doing here? How are things at work…catch me up on what I've missed?"

"I think you work here now," he reminded her. "But things are okay at SVU. Not the same…but okay." He leaned forward and pulled her into a hug and she knew she lingered longer than she should have, but she couldn't pull away when she felt safe for the first time since all of this went down. "Hey…are you all right?" he asked, his voice gentle and calm.

"Sure…of course…" she pulled herself away from the hug and sat back down at her desk. "It's not nearly as stressful here. We do a lot with the schools and community services, so you know…a lot of preventative things. It's really a good job because I can spend more time with Noah. I've cooked dinner every night for over a week."

"Wow…it sounds like you've found your niche," Fin's fake admiration of her new career did not go unnoticed. Olivia knew he was pitying her and she looked at the ground, mindlessly counting the diamond patterns in the tile floor. "Liv…you wanna tell me how this happened?" he asked, with such a sincere and caring sadness that her eyes filled with tears before she knew what hit her. He knelt down in front of her, looking straight into her sorrow-filled eyes, "I know you…better than anyone around here…you need to talk to me. I can help you."

"I don't think you can," she admitted with a frantic whisper. "I've screwed up…no one can fix it."

"We're going to fix it," he promised. "No one at SVU thinks you did anything wrong, but you have to tell me your side of things. You have to tell me the truth." He looked around the crowded room at the stares from her coworkers who obviously had too much time on their hands. "What do you say you and I go to lunch?" he looked at the clock on the wall. "You get a lunch break, right?"

She nodded and stood to her feet, grabbing her purse from the bottom drawer of her desk and letting him guide her out by the arm. She wasn't sure she could have walked out of there on her own, she felt so weak and defeated, but with Fin by her side she felt better. Maybe things could be okay.

She hadn't said a word since they'd arrived at the restaurant and she didn't know if she could. She was afraid to admit the truth, especially to Fin because he was all she had left of her old life, and she didn't know what she would do if she lost him too. She fidgeted with the package of saltine crackers that had come with her chicken noodle soup and then she dipped the cracker in the soup and popped it in her mouth. She couldn't even look him in the eye, and she didn't know how she'd manage to speak.

"That's all you want to eat?" he asked, taking a bite of his cheeseburger and shoving a few fries in his mouth.

"Yeah," she glanced up at him briefly and then back at her bowl. "I've been a little under the weather lately…stress from everything going on…my stomach is a little blah…"

"Fair enough," he said, putting down his burger and watching as she lifted the spoon to her lips, her hand shaking enough that most of it spilled back into the bowl. "You ready to tell me why I came back from a three day vacation to find out you were booted out of SVU and that jackass Dodds is in charge?"

She put the spoon back in the bowl and looked up at him. The color drained from her face and her voice quivered, "Dodds is a good cop," she insisted. "Don't hold him accountable for things his father has done. He's your boss now…"

"You're avoiding my question," his tone was less sympathetic now. "What the hell is going on?"

"You don't know?" she asked with disbelief. "Barba didn't tell you?"

"Barba?" he sighed. "What the hell does he have to do with this? Olivia, no one at SVU has been told a damn thing."

"So, you're not investigating Tucker?" she asked. "SVU isn't on that case?"

"Tucker?" Fin asked. "Is this about him? That trafficking ring…of course we're on the case. Personally I think he's been set up…he's a son of a bitch, but he's not a sex-trafficker. Sure we're on the case…but…wait…is that why they removed you? Because of Tucker? What the hell did he do to you?"

"He didn't do anything to me," she insisted. "He's my…uhm…well we've been sort of involved…and…"

Fin's eyes widened in disbelief, " _Involved_?" he asked. "Liv…what the hell are you thinking? You and Tucker…he nearly destroyed your career…more than once…"

"I know," her voice quivered.

"Sick as that is on so many levels," Fin groaned. "They can't remove you for sleeping with a snake."

"I broke the rules," she admitted. "Barba came to me with accusations against Tucker…and I let him stand there and tell me all they had on him…and I didn't tell him about our relationship."

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Fin asked. "Olivia…"

"I told you," she cried. "You can't help me. No one can…I did this…"

"Why would you cover for Tucker?" Fin asked, unsure if he was really hearing what he thought he was. "You can't love him…really…Liv…"

"You wouldn't understand," she tried to stand up from the table, but her body was shaky and she knocked over the water glass and it shattered on the floor. She knelt down to pick it up as the waitress came over to help, but her hands were shaking so badly that she couldn't even pick up the pieces and Fin pulled her to her feet.

"What don't I understand?" he asked. He was scared. He'd never seen her like this and while he'd promised to help, he wasn't sure he could.

She shook her head, "I didn't mean for this to happen…" she cried and buried her head in his chest. "I didn't know what else to do…and I destroyed everything…"

"What did you do?" he asked again, but she didn't answer him. Her body nearly collapsed against him and he held her close. "Olivia…"

"I thought I was doing the right thing," she insisted. "I just…I didn't know it would come to this…"

"You thought _what_ was the right thing?" he asked. "Liv, you have to tell me."

She shook her head, "I have to get back to work," she pulled away from him and walked unsteadily down the street.

He ran after her, grabbing her shoulder and she turned to look at him. "You're in no condition to go back to work," he argued. "Are you sick? You're shaky and pale…you look like you could pass out any minute."

"I'm fine," she argued. "I just…I told you…the stress is getting to me." She could tell he wasn't going to believe her.

"Can I come by your apartment tonight?" he asked. "I think we need to talk in private."

She shook her head, "I have a date with Ed…"

"Liv, he's going to be charged," Fin told her,still unable to comprehend why she would be involved with him in the first place. "You know that, right? Barba wants to bring him before the grand jury…"

She nodded, "I know…" then she walked away.

 **tbc**


	3. Chapter 3

**Thanks for the completely awesome reviews. So glad I can make some of you happy. I have a feeling you may be less enthused with this chapter, but at least there are some answers.**

 **Review and let me know what you think. Thank you!**

"How was work?" Lucy asked when Olivia walked in the door promptly at 5:30. She was sitting on the floor with Noah, pushing race cars back and forth across a plastic track and Noah jumped up at the sight of his mother and ran to her, lifting his arms up to be held.

"It was fine," Olivia said, kneeling down to pick up her son and kissing him on the cheek. "How was your day, sweet boy?" she asked. "Did you have fun?" she turned to Lucy, "Was he good today?"

Lucy stood to her feet, tossing the cars in the toy box. "When I picked him up from daycare, they said he was coughing a lot all day. He didn't have a fever though," she added, grabbing her backpack and tossing it over her shoulder. "He's seemed a little tired though. Maybe he's coming down with something."

"Are you okay, little one?" Olivia asked and Noah leaned his head on her shoulder. She kissed his forehead, "He might be a little warm now."

"Is it still okay for me to leave?" Lucy asked, unsure. For over a week Olivia had come home early in the evening and Lucy'd had the rest of the night to herself. She wasn't complaining, but it was something she certainly wasn't used to.

"Of course," Olivia smiled, realizing the girl probably wondered if she could take care of her sick son on her own. She was ashamed of that. "I had a date, but I'll cancel it. I want to stay with Noah," she sat down with him on the sofa and picked up his favorite book from the end table. "You go on home and enjoy your night."

"You're sure?" Lucy asked, uneasily.

"I'm sure," Olivia answered. "Noah and I have been loving our nights together, right Buddy?" She held him close and opened the book as Lucy waved good-bye.

A couple of hours later, she rushed to the door to keep the knocking from awaking Noah. She looked out the peep hole and opened it, letting Tucker in as she returned to the kitchen where she was making dinner, "Thanks for agreeing to change our plans," she said, draining the hot pasta in the sink. "I'm sorry we couldn't go out."

"I don't mind staying in," he grinned, walking over to her and putting his arms around her waist. "Maybe I can stay tonight?"

She pulled away from him, dumping the pasta into the serving dish and bringing it to the table, "I don't think that's a good idea," she said softly. "Noah's sick…and I need to focus on him."

"You never want me to stay," he didn't sound hurt, more like he was stating a fact. "I brought wine…" he held up the bottle and sat it on the counter.

"You know I'm trying not to drink," she reminded him.

"I'm sorry…I forgot. I'm glad you're trying…it's for the best," he admitted. "How's that going?"

She sat at the table and he joined her, leaving the wine bottle on the counter and sipping the water she'd used to fill the glasses instead. "It's been okay," she answered. "I don't feel very well…maybe my body is going through withdrawal or something…" she twirled the pasta on her fork and took a bite.

"I doubt that," he shook his head. "It's not like you were a falling down drunk. You just overdid it some nights." He could tell she was avoiding eye contact with him. "Maybe these symptoms are in your head?"

"Maybe…" she said, taking another bite and looking at his still-full plate. "Are you going to eat?"

He took a bite, not saying anything more until they'd both practically cleaned their plates and then his voice was stern, "Barba's bringing me before the grand jury," he said seriously. "Did you know?"

She nodded, "I had lunch with Fin today," she pushed the fork around her empty plate.

"What did he say?" Tucker asked.

"Nothing," she shrugged. "Just that he thought Barba was going to take it to the grand jury."

"Did he tell you they want you to testify?" he asked. "They're going to ask you about me…about our relationship…what you know about the trafficking ring…"

"There is no trafficking ring," Olivia reminded him. "At least not one you're involved in, Ed. I know that."

"But they're going to ask you for dates…times we were together," he sputtered. "They'll want to know why you never disclosed our relationship…"

"And I'll tell them that we didn't think it was anyone's business," she insisted. "There's nothing to worry about." Noah's crying came through the baby monitor and Olivia stood up from the table, "He needs his fever medicine," she said, "And I probably should get out the humidifier before he gets too congested. It'll take a while…"

"You want me to leave?" he asked, standing to his feet.

"I don't want you to," she argued. "But you probably should. It's just not a good night…"

He walked over to her, pulling her close and pressing his lips against hers. Then he pulled away and stared into her eyes, "You know what I love about our relationship?" he asked in a whisper. "The fact that we know how to take care of each other, you know? I help you…and you help me. That's just the way it is."

"Yeah," her voice quivered. "We're lucky to have each other."

She waited for him to walk out the door, and she locked it, realizing that Noah had stopped crying. She peeked in on him, relieved to see him fast asleep and then she walked back to the kitchen and picked up the wine bottle Tucker had left on the counter. She opened it, and poured a glass, taking one long drink before stopping herself. She looked at the glass and the bottle, rushing to the sink and dumping them both, tossing the bottle in the trash. Her eyes filled with tears and she grabbed her phone, quickly texting _I need you to come over now._ It was a few minutes before she got a response. She read it _I'll be there as soon as I can._ She took a deep breath, as she sat back and waited.

It was an hour before Fin arrive, tapping gently on the door so he wouldn't wake Noah and she appreciated his consideration for her son. She pulled open the door and motioned him into the living room. He sat down on the sofa and she sat next to him, wringing her hands nervously as he looked on in anticipation. "Liv," he spoke softly. "You wanna tell me what's happening now?"

She shook her head, "No…" she closed her eyes and let out an exasperated sigh. "But I will…"

"You know I have your back," he reminded her. "You and me, we've been through a lot. It won't matter to me what you've done…I just need to know so I can help."

She nodded, looking around the apartment to avoid gazing directly at him. "I…uhm…" she choked on her words and wasn't sure she could force them out. "I've been drinking a lot…for a while…" she sputtered and the fact that he didn't look surprised gave her the courage to go on. "It started after Lewis…but then it got better with Noah, you know…and I wanted to be a good Mom…not like my mother…" tears streamed down her cheeks and she quickly brushed them away.

"You are a good mom," he assured her. "I know how much you love that little boy."

"Love isn't everything," she reminded him. "I haven't been there for him…not the way a mother should, and I could blame it on the job, but when I was here…at least lately…" she cried. "I just needed something to get me through the night. I don't sleep…and the alcohol calms me down…"

"Liv, it's gonna be okay," he wanted to comfort her, but he wasn't sure how. "If you feel like you need help, we can get you help."

"It's not that," she shook her head in defeat. "I've been trying to quit…but the damage is already done."

"What damage?" he asked nervously.

"I don't even know how to say this…" she sobbed. "I did something…"

"Say it…" his voice quivered with fear. "What did you do?"

She exhaled slowly, "A while ago…I got a call in the middle of the night…a case…" she sniffled. "I'd been drinking, but I wasn't really drunk…at least I didn't think I was…so I could have called you or Dodds or Carisi, but I didn't. I went myself, because like I said, I don't sleep…and I just wanted to get out of here." She looked at him and though his face showed apprehension, he nodded for her to go on. "It was a teenage girl, raped by a boy from school at a party. The case was pretty cut and dry. I could've worked it sloshed out of my mind, so that wasn't the problem…"

"Then what was the problem?" he asked nervously.

"After…I didn't want to come home…and so I had some drinks with…someone else…" she bit her bottom lip anxiously. "And we got really drunk…and we went to his office and things got very heated…"

"Tucker?" Fin asked. "You had drunk sex with Tucker…and now you're stuck in a relationship with him?"

"No…" she insisted. "It wasn't Tucker. It was someone else…someone I had no business being with…someone I can get into big trouble for being with…he could be in trouble too…" She put her head in her hands and tried to breathe.

"Who was it?" Fin asked.

"I can't tell you that," she said seriously. "But the next morning, I was so hung over…still a little drunk to be honest…I was so embarrassed and I tried to sneak away while he was still asleep, but when I opened the door, there was Tucker. He'd come to talk to him about some case…and he saw me…and he knew I was drunk and he threatened to have my badge…to destroy both of our careers…"

"And this guy just let you take the fall for him?" Fin asked angrily. "Who was it? Dodds…"

"I'm not telling you who it was," she insisted. "And he didn't make me take the fall. He never knew Tucker caught us. If he did…it would've destroyed him."

"It sounds like you care about him?" Fin noted. "Maybe he should know?"

She shook her head, "I don't think that will solve anything. We agreed to forget about the whole thing. It was a huge mistake." She sighed. "But Tucker…he wanted to talk about what he'd seen…said if I wanted to keep my job he needed my side of things…and I didn't trust him, but I had to resolve this…" she sighed, "He agreed not to say anything when he realized it was just a mistake…"

"But he kept using it against you," Fin said knowingly.

"Not using it really…not the sex…" she whispered. "But he knows about the drinking…and he knows I was on the job drunk…"

"None of that explains why you are sleeping with him," Fin replied. "Did he force you? Because if he did…"

"He never forced me to sleep with him," she closed her eyes. "He never forced me to do anything. He asked me out, and I felt obligated because he was keeping my mistakes under wraps from IAB…but then he kept asking me out…and I kept going…and I was afraid if I said no that he might change his mind about keeping my secret…and I wouldn't be the only one hurt…"

"Liv…" he didn't know what to say. "Did you cover up Tucker's involvement in the trafficking ring as payback for him covering up your drinking?"

She didn't answer at first, but then she looked him straight in the eye, "No…" she said honestly. "I would never have done that. I didn't know anything about the trafficking ring…and I really don't think Ed did either."

Fin shook his head in disbelief, "You don't think that's why he weaseled his way into your life?" he asked. "To protect himself. You really are naïve…"

"I'm not naïve," she argued. "I was just stupid." She heard Noah crying in his room and looked at Fin, "I have to go get him," she stood up, wiping away her tears and walking toward her son's room. Fin watched her go, and he wondered how many drinks she'd had that night, because her dizziness and shaking from the afternoon seemed to be completely gone now. It broke his heart to see her like this…because she was so damaged…and he blamed himself for not seeing the signs sooner.

She came back into the room, and situated Noah on her lap. "Say hi to Uncle Fin," she whispered, kissing the baby gently on his cheek.

"Hi…" Noah's small voice echoed in the otherwise silent room.

"Hey, little guy," Fin forced a sad smile as the boy cuddled up next to his mother. He looked seriously at Olivia, "You don't want to lose him, Liv," he said. "And he deserves a mother who can take care of him."

"I know…" she cried. "I'm not drinking now…I swear…I took one sip of wine earlier and I dumped it. I promise…"

"We need to get you some help. Rehab…AA…something…But first you gotta get in front of this Tucker thing," he sighed. "Barba's planning to call you to the stand. He's gonna ask you about your relationship with Tucker…if you tell the truth…"

"I'm gonna lose everything," she cried.

 **tbc**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thank you all for the fabulous reviews. I know this isn't a happily ever after story, but it wouldn't leave me alone and wanted to be told.**

 **Here is your morning update. There are some unexpected (or maybe completely expected) twists in this chapter. Give me some feedback, please. And enjoy the ride. :)**

Olivia stood outside the courtroom, waiting for her turn in front of the grand jury. She tapped her foot up and down nervously and looked at the people rushing past, but nothing seemed to ease her anxiety. The only thought running through her mind was that even though this might destroy her life, at least she was getting a day off from Community Affairs.

It had been more than a week since she'd told Fin the truth, and they'd both agreed that the best way to avoid her having to confess everything was for to SVU to actually solve the case and implicate someone other than Tucker, but no matter how hard Fin assured her they'd tried, they hadn't found a shred of evidence to prove his innocence or anything strong enough to shift the suspicions to someone else.

"How're you doing?" she looked up and saw Fin staring down at her, and she scooted over so he could sit next to her on the bench.

"I'm fine…" she lied. "Any news?"

He shook his head, "Liv, I tried. I really did…" he took her hand in his to try to calm her. "You go in there and tell the truth. Hold your head high…because you made a mistake but you're owning up to it."

She nodded, "What if they kick me off the force…for good?"

"I don't think that'll happen," he sighed. "You tell them you've been doing some out-patient treatment…that you are putting your life back together…how's that going, by the way?"

She had only been twice, but the fact that there was a place where she could be honest about her need to drink, her struggles to stop, and the fear she had of losing her life to it seemed to be helping. "I'm going to keep going," she promised. "I think it's helping…I feel better…less sick and more like myself."

"Good," he smiled. "And you'll be back to yourself in no time…once you get the truth out there and let the chips fall where they may."

"Yeah…" she sighed. "Easier said than done," she rubbed her temples and closed her eyes. "I wish they'd just call me so I can get this over with."

"I thought you were feeling better?" Fin asked with concern.

"I am…most of the time," she answered. "It's just a bad headache…probably stress…and nervousness about the grand jury…my pulse is racing too. I just need it to be over."

"You talk to Tucker about it?" he asked. "Did you tell him you're gonna admit the truth?"

She shook her head, "I couldn't. I just told him I needed some time to myself this week to deal with the drinking and he said he understood. He's scared of this too, Fin. I know you don't like him…but he was set up in this. I truly believe that."

"I know you want to believe it…" he looked sadly into her eyes, "but after what he's done to you…I want to see him rot in prison."

"I did this to myself," she reminded him. "I'm not condoning what he did…but I was the one who went along with it." She put her hand to her stomach and took a deep, agonizing breath.

"You okay?" he asked again. "You don't look so good."

"Yeah…" she swallowed and tried not to gag. "I'm just a little queasy all of the sudden. I think it's the headache…it's making me sick." She exhaled slowly, trying to curb the nausea. "I'm fine…"

The door opened, and a court officer motioned for her. Fin stood with her, reaching out and hugging her close, "You got this…you hear me. You tell the truth."

She nodded, "I can't remember the last time I was facing court without Barba prepping me first," she gave a slight chuckle. "And now he's the one who'll be drilling me…" her eyes clouded with tears, "He hates me…and I don't blame him."

"He's gonna get over it," Fin promised. "Especially when he learns the truth." He hugged her once more, "You go tell the truth…and I'll be here waiting when you're done."

"Thanks," she nodded with a sad sniffle as she followed the officer into the room.

She sat there and watched as Barba looked over his notes, trying to find the perfect question to trip her up. She wanted to tell him she was sorry, but this wasn't the time or place and she knew that. Then he looked up at her and the anger in his eyes made her feel weak. He was never going to forgive her. "Ms. Benson," he began. "Are you and Captain Ed Tucker in a relationship?"

"We've been seeing each other for a while," she answered.

"And when I came to you with the accusations that were made against him…did you deny the relationship?" he asked.

"No," she admitted. "I asked you not to ask me about it…but that was just because…"

"Is it true that you wanted to gain as much information as possible about the charges against Captain Tucker so you could warn him?" he cut her off mid-sentence. "Did you repeatedly claim he was innocent and that your squad would not be investigating?"

"No…" she insisted. "I was shocked by the charges…I never said we wouldn't investigate." Her heart was pounding and the room was hot. She tried to take a deep breath, but it didn't feel like the air was going in and she was dizzy.

"Ms. Benson…" she could hear Barba's voice, but her head was foggy and his words unclear.

"I'm sorry…" she tried to focus on him, but she was seeing double and she thought she might be sick. "What…what did you ask me?" she sputtered.

"What's wrong with her?" she heard someone ask and before she knew it, Barba had is hand on her shoulder.

"Olivia…Liv…" he sounded frantic as he tried to get her to respond. "Liv…hang on…" but she couldn't anymore and everything turned black.

She opened her eyes, squinting to shield them from the light. Her head was still throbbing and she was confused about where she was, but when she tried to sit up she recognized the hospital band on her wrist and before she could contemplate any further, Fin was at her side. "Hey…you gave us quite a scare. Try not to move…you need to stay still."

"What happened?" her voice was raspy and dry.

"You blacked out…in front of the grand jury," he stood over her. "Threw up three times in the ambulance on the way here…"she could tell he was angry. "You wanna tell me why?"

"What?" she was too confused to answer. "My head hurts…" she couldn't focus and she felt sick again.

"What did you take, Olivia?" he asked bitterly. "I know you were scared to go before the grand jury…but drinking or doing drugs before…"

"I didn't," she insisted. "I swear…" and she could tell he didn't believe her.

"They're running a tox screen," he told her. "So they're gonna know."

"Good," she wanted to cry, but she wouldn't let herself. "Then you'll know. I'm not drunk…" she closed her eyes and tried to shield them from the light. "I'm sick…something's wrong with me…" Her monitors started to beep and Fin pushed the button for the nurse, who made it into the room before he finished pressing it.

"Your blood pressure's spiked," she said, and though Olivia was conscious she was in too much pain to answer. The nurse looked at Fin, "What was she doing before this happened? We had it under control."

"She was just talking…" he said, wondering if his accusing her of drinking had upset her enough to cause this. "Then she said her head hurt…she was complaining about it earlier too…what's wrong with her?"

"I don't know," the nurse said, putting something in the IV line. "This will bring her blood pressure back down." She looked at Olivia, "You lay back and rest…deep breaths…" Olivia nodded weakly, and as long as she kept her eyes closed she felt better. "I'll be back with the doctor," the nurse said gently and Fin watched as she walked out of the room.

"Liv…I'm sorry," he said.

"It's fine…"she whispered. "But I wasn't drinking…I swear on my life…"

The doctor walked in and extended his hand, "Ms. Benson…glad to see you awake."

"She's in a lot of pain Doc," Fin interrupted. "You have to do something."

The doctor nodded, "Maybe we should speak in private," he said to Olivia. "I need to go over your bloodwork."

"No…" she insisted. "I want him here. I want him to know I wasn't drinking this time."

The doctor looked at Fin and then back at Olivia, "This is private…" he said. "Are you sure?"

"He's my friend…" she sputtered, and in the back of her mind all she could think was that he was the only friend she had.

"No drugs or alcohol in your system," he said, and Fin breathed a sigh of relief.

"See," she said sadly. "I told you…"

"I know…I'm sorry," Fin replied genuinely. Then he looked seriously at the doctor, "Then what's going on? She's so sick…"

"Ms. Benson…" he began.

"Olivia…" she interrupted him. If he was going to change her life with a devastating diagnosis, he could at least use her first name.

"Olivia," he gave a weak smile. "You were extremely dehydrated when you came in and your blood pressure keeps spiking…that's what was causing the nausea and dizziness…"

"So how do we fix that?" she asked.

"We're giving you IV fluids and meds to bring down your blood pressure," he told her. "But there's something else. Your bloodwork…there was something…"

"What?" Olivia asked nervously. There was no doubt in her mind that the drinking had caused damage to her body and all she could think about was how hard it was going to be to die and leave Noah behind…all because she hadn't stopped drinking sooner. "Is it my liver…from the alcohol?" she asked. "I know I was only drinking a lot for a couple of years, but I've read it can happen that fast in some people…" she looked at Fin, his face sad. "I don't want to leave Noah…"

"What? No…" the doctor's voice was serious. "I haven't seen anything to signal liver damage. I admit I'm concerned about the drinking…especially now…"

"It's not my liver?" she asked, and she couldn't imagine what else it could be. "Then what is it?"

"You're pregnant…" the doctor said and the look on Olivia's face let him know this was unexpected news. "You didn't know?" he asked. "The hcg levels in your system would make us think you have to be near or likely even out of the first trimester."

"No…I'm not…" she argued. "There's no way. I'm 47 years old…closer to 48 really. I can't…"

"Liv…calm down," Fin put his hand on her shoulder and she jerked it away, and he couldn't help but notice she had been less frantic about possibly dying from cirrhosis that she was about this new predicament.

"I will not calm down," she cried. "I'm not pregnant. I haven't had a period in…God, I can't even count back that far…No…"

"Sometimes women who are beginning menopause don't use contraceptives because they think they're infertile, but there's always a chance until you've gone a whole year without a menstrual cycle," the doctor informed her. "And we need to do an ultrasound to figure out exactly how far along you are so we can make some decisions about your care. The blood pressure can signal some complications…and your age is definitely a marker for some serious birth defects, danger for you and the baby..."

"Why won't you listen to me?" she yelled. "I know I'm not pregnant. I've been drinking…a lot. I would never do that if…" she burst into uncontrollable tears. "Please…just run the test again. I know it's a mistake…I can't have a baby…"

"We could run it a dozen times," the doctor said gently. "But the results are going to be the same."

She shook her head sadly, "I can't do this…" she looked at Fin, "Please…make him rerun the test. I can't…"

"It's gonna be okay," he tried to comfort her, but she was having none of it. "I know you're scared…" all he could think about was Olivia being tied to Tucker through this child for the rest of her life, and he knew she had every right to fear that.

"Olivia…" the doctor spoke calmly. "Your blood pressure is already dangerously high. You have to settle down. Let me do the ultrasound. If you're right…and you're not pregnant…then there won't be anything on the ultrasound…okay?"

She nodded anxiously, "I just know I'm not pregnant," she said once more. "I can't be…" and as much as she tried to push it out of her mind, all she could think about were the numerous mornings she's spent leaning over the toilet and the fact that she hadn't kept food down for weeks, maybe even months…and she'd blamed all of that on her drinking, but maybe she should have suspected something else. A good mother would have known. A good mother would have protected her child. But Olivia wasn't a good mother…no matter how much she wanted to be, and now her child would pay the price. "If I am…" she heard the words come out of her mouth even though she didn't make an attempt to speak them, "Can you tell on the ultrasound…if the baby has fetal alcohol syndrome?" she asked.

"I'm sorry…" he said truthfully. "FAS can't be diagnosed until after the baby is born." He looked at her frightened face, "But if you've been drinking…all you can do now…is stop."

 **tbc**


	5. Chapter 5

**Sorry I missed the morning update. I was busy. Also I slept late and I've been editing my stuff before leaving for the day and I didn't have time. Anyway, you can enjoy this in place of SVU tonight since it is on hiatus.**

 **Happy Reading to one and all! Leave your thoughts please!**

Olivia pushed Noah's stroller down the sidewalk, and even though she was bone-tired the fresh spring air was invigorating…even in New York City. She'd been out of the hospital for a week, and had just come from her first OB appointment where the doctor assured her that things were progressing normally, but that they would continue to watch for problems, due to her advanced maternal age and drinking through the first trimester, and as much as Olivia wanted to love this little baby, she was so scared of losing her child that she felt almost detached. Even that morning, when she'd gone through four pairs of pants that wouldn't button, she didn't let herself think about the baby. Instead she slipped into black leggings and an oversized tunic and told herself she should dress casually for her appointment anyway. Then she'd packed up Noah and headed to the doctor, stopped afterward for warm pretzels, and played for an hour in the park across from the courthouse, and aside from the doctor's appointment, she hadn't let herself think about the baby at all…until right now, when she knew she'd have to share her news with someone and then she'd lose the honor of keeping the pregnancy to herself.

Noah was asleep as they stepped off the elevator and she was thankful for small blessings. She walked in the office and the secretary motioned her in and she looked at him for the first time since the grand jury incident, remembering how angry he was and she almost turned around and walked out, but her conscience wouldn't let her.

"Olivia…" he looked surprised, but not nearly as angry as she'd expected. "What are you doing here? The grand jury voted not to indict Tucker…so…"

"I know," she answered. "He told me…" And she thought back to the night he'd shown up in her hospital room, right before her release and explained that they didn't have any real evidence that he'd covered up a crime so they'd been forced to let him go. It was too hard on him though, and he wanted to retire…move to Florida and start fresh. He wanted her to come, to be a part of his life, but when she told him about the baby he couldn't get away fast enough. He'd tolerated Noah, because he had to, but a tired, fat, cranky girlfriend was far down his list of wants and throwing in a crying baby, leaky breasts, and diapers was his final straw. "I came to talk to you…"

"Me?" he asked. "Is this about your job at SVU? Because I can't do anything about that."

"I'm not going back right away," she explained. "I'm on medical leave…"

"Why?" he asked, thinking back to her collapse in the courtroom. It had scared him half to death to see her so weak and helpless. He'd asked Fin how she was doing, and he assured him she was doing better with fluids and medication, but now he was worried. "Are you sick?"

"I was in the hospital for a week," she sputtered.

"I know," his voice shook. "Fin told me…he said you were doing okay with medication. I'm sorry…if I pushed you too hard in court…"

"It wasn't you," she insisted. "My blood pressure was through the roof…I hadn't been eating right or drinking anything…" she looked at the floor and spoke in a near whisper, "I'm pregnant…"

His eyes widened and his ears burned with anger, "You're pregnant?" he snickered and gave an exasperated chuckle, "Congratulations then, I guess…"

"You don't understand," she sighed, but he wouldn't let her finish.

"Guess it's a good thing Tucker got off then, right?" he laughed. "He has a family to take care of now…poor bastard…" He pulled a bottle of bourbon out of his desk drawer and poured a glass, taking a drink and raising it to her. "I'd offer you a celebratory drink…but I guess you're not drinking now…"

"No…I'm not," she bit her lip and tried to hold in her tears. "I'm in out-patient rehab…trying to give that shit up…for myself and for my kids."

And he looked concerned and put the bottle away, "Liv, I'm sorry…I didn't know…"

"No…you didn't know," she yelled. "Because you won't talk to me. You won't listen to what I have to say. I'm sorry about Tucker…you have no idea how sorry…but you were wrong about him…about my relationship with him…" she cried. "I never slept with him. I couldn't…he wanted to…but I kept putting him off…and…"

"Liv, don't give me that shit," he rolled his eyes. "You're fucking pregnant…I'm not stupid…"

"I'm sixteen weeks…" she shouted. "Four months pregnant, Rafael…FOUR…" and she let her hand rest on the barely-noticeable swell of her stomach while she waited for realization to hit.

"Four months…" his voice quivered. "Four goddamn months, Olivia?" he ran his hand across the back of his neck and pulled the bourbon back out of his drawer, taking a long drink. "Get out…just go…"

"I don't want anything from you," she managed to hold in her tears. "I just thought you'd want to know."

"You thought I'd want to know?" he snickered. "Since Tucker left you…you decided to tell me…"

"That's not what happened," she promised. "I just found out. I didn't know…"

"Right…" he gave a sarcastic laugh. "You expect me to believe you carried that baby around for four months…and had no idea?" He looked at her and sighed, "You're already starting to show…fuck…"

"I found out after I passed out during the grand jury," she said, her voice calmer than she expected. "I was fourteen weeks then…and now I'm sixteen. I'd been sick, but I thought it was because of my drinking…" then her voice cracked and she had to swallow the lump in her throat while her tears fell. "The baby might be sick…because of me…because of my drinking…" she cried. "And you can't say anything that will ever hurt me as much as the knowledge that I damaged my own child."

He took another drink, shaking his head, "Get out…I want you out…now…" and he slammed the bottle down on the desk with such force that the noise woke Noah who gave out a started cry.

Olivia knelt down, comforting her little boy, "It's okay, sweetie…we're leaving…" she said, handing him his stuffed bunny that he immediately dropped as she turned back, tears streaming down her cheeks. "I didn't want you to hear it from someone else," she said, pushing the stroller out of the room.

It was after midnight and she couldn't sleep, no matter how exhausted she was. She'd spent the rest of the day trying to hold it together after the altercation in Barba's office and once Noah was asleep she'd had nothing else to occupy her mind. She was grateful there was no alcohol in the apartment, because she wanted nothing more than to sit down and have a bottle of wine to clear her head, and in her heart she hated herself for that. She rummaged through the refrigerator, wishing she'd managed to make it to the grocery store because the selection was sparse, finally grabbing a couple of Noah's pudding cups and opening them, pouring them in a bowl. Then she dumped his Cheerios on top, along with a chopped up banana, and curled up on the sofa with the concoction, taking a small bite before her phone went off and she looked at it _Are you awake? I'm outside your door. We need to talk._

She took a moment deciding how to respond, before sitting her snack on the table and walking to the door, looking through the peep hole. He looked disheveled, wearing the same clothes he'd had on at his office earlier, though his shirt was wrinkled and untucked and his usual starched appearance was long gone. She opened the door, "It's after midnight…" she reminded him.

"I'm sorry…" his voice shook. "I just…needed to see you…were you asleep?"

She shook her head and motioned him into the living room where he sat down before she did, and she sat as far away from him as she could. "I think you said all that needed to be said this afternoon," she reminded him.

He reached out and handed her something and she looked questioningly at it, "Noah dropped this," he said, as she took the small stuffed bunny. "I thought you might need it back."

"Thanks," she whispered. "Is that all, because if so…I'm getting tired," she lied.

"No…" he ran his hand along the back of his neck. "Liv…I'm sorry…for what I said…you didn't deserve to be yelled at like that. I don't know why I reacted that way…"

"Because I hurt you," she admitted. "I know that…and I never meant to…"

"I know you didn't," he whispered. "And I know you're hurting too…" he looked at the way her yellow tank top clung to her new curves. "The…the baby…you're sure it's mine?" he asked nervously.

She couldn't be angry at the question. He had every right to ask, considering their relationship…or lack thereof. She nodded, "I'm positive…" she sighed. "I didn't sleep with Tucker. I couldn't…"

"Then why were you with him?" he asked, his voice angrier than he meant for it to be. "Liv…he's a snake. What the hell were you doing?"

"He asked me out…" she explained. "And I said yes…because…he knew about us…about that night…"

"What?" Barba's eyes widened. "Liv…was he blackmailing you?"

She shook her head, "No, but he knew I'd been drinking…he knew I was technically on duty…he mentioned that one of us might lose our job…and I didn't want that to happen…"

"You had a relationship with Tucker…to protect our jobs?" he asked.

"Guess it didn't do me much good, did it?" she snickered.

He looked at her sadly, "I'm sorry…about SVU…I didn't mean…"

"I know," she forced a sad smile. She picked up her bowl of pudding and took a bite, not sure what else to say to him.

He looked questioningly at her, and laughed a little, "What the hell are you eating?"

"Pudding, Cheerios, and bananas," she answered. "I'm starving…and there's no food in this place. I need to go to the store."

"I think that's my job," he teased. "To run out and get you pickles and ice cream or something, right?"

"No…" she sighed. "I meant what I said earlier. I don't want anything from you. I just thought you should know…I'm not trying to play house here…"

"I don't want that either," he admitted. "But if you're going to have the baby…"

"I am," she said sadly. "I have to."

"No you don't," he insisted. "There are other options."

She sat her empty bowl on the table and sighed, "Are you saying you don't want me to have it?" she asked.

"I didn't say that," he argued. "I said you don't have to…" he sighed. "You said the baby might be sick because of your drinking…and I just don't know if it's right to risk it…"

"I know that I haven't been the best mother up til now," Olivia offered. "I didn't take care of myself or the baby…the drinking is inexcusable…I just keep waiting to miscarry because I can't imagine that this pregnancy will even make it to term…"

"Then why put yourself through that?" he asked. "We can get it taken care of…I know it'll be hard…"

"Five minutes ago you wanted to run out and get me ice cream like the doting father-to-be, and now you want to take me to get an abortion," she shook her head. "Make up your damn mind."

"I'm sorry," he sputtered. "I'm confused…I didn't expect this and you showed up with this bombshell and I feel like my life is changed forever and I have no say in what happens…"

"I get it," she said sadly. "You think I didn't react this very same way? When the doctor told me, I thought he was going to tell me I was dying from alcoholism, and instead he told me I was pregnant with a baby I didn't even think I was physically capable of conceiving." Her eyes filled with tears. "I kept telling him to rerun the test…and then he did the ultrasound and I saw that little person…with the tiny fluttering heartbeat…and I should've been happy but I wanted kill myself…"

"Liv…" his voice shook.

"So I let them do a test for genetic abnormalities…and expected bad results…I was fully prepared for chromosome abnormalities because of my age…the drinking…"her voice cracked. "But so far…she's perfectly healthy."

"She?" he asked.

Olivia nodded, "Yeah…my little girl…"

" _Our_ little girl," he said in disbelief. He was going to have a daughter and he'd never imagined how it would feel to hear that news. He wasn't sure how he felt now, but he instinctively wanted to protect her any way her could.

"I had to talk to a social worker at the hospital…about the drinking," she cried. "They told me if the baby is born with FAS, that they're gonna take her away…" she sobbed. "Even though I'm getting help now…I might lose her…and that was when I finally realized…I want to keep her."

"They'll let you prove you're sober and a fit mother," he told her. "You'll have the baby back in a matter of months."

"Months…" she sputtered. "Months that she can spend bonding to someone else in foster care," she cried. "And the social worker said they might take Noah too…"

"I won't let that happen," he insisted. "Liv…you're not going to lose them…but if they decide to remove them for a while…I can take them…"

"What?" she asked. "That's not what I meant…"

"I know…but I should do it," he offered. "I'm her father…so they'll have to give her to me…and Noah's her brother so they'll want them together…" he looked into her sad eyes. "But it isn't going to come to that…because you're going to get better…you've already stopped drinking…and there's a good chance she's going to be perfectly fine."

"I wish I believed that," she whispered. "I don't even feel connected to her right now. I try to pretend she isn't here. I just feel...tired and fat."

"I know it isn't easy," he said. "But worrying isn't going to make the pregnancy any easier. It isn't going to do any good and it isn't really healthy for the baby."

"All of the sudden you're worried about the pregnancy?" she asked with a slight snicker.

"I guess so…" he nodded. "Thinking about losing her…puts everything in perspective…" he sighed. "I should probably give up the drinking too…"

She nodded, "You don't exactly look sober now."

"When you left earlier…" he shrugged. "I didn't know what else to do…I've had a lot of coffee though…before I came over here…"

"I'm getting tired," she yawned. "So if you wanna sleep on the couch, we can talk more tomorrow."

"Sure…" he nodded. She took her bowl to the sink and then grabbed a blanket and pillow from the closet, handing them to him. She turned toward her room when he called to her, "I hope she's as strong as you are, Olivia" he said. "Because if she is…none of the other things she might face will ever keep her down."

She put her hand gently on her stomach, "Goodnight, Rafael."

He smiled and leaned back on the sofa, "Night, Liv. " Then he closed his eyes and remembered everything about their night together, wishing he could turn back the clock to a time before he ruined their lives.

 **tbc**


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you one and all for the reviews. I should note, one person metioned not liking that Barba is an alcoholic. I didn't mean for it to come across that way. I just meant that he was feeling guilty for their drunken one night stand and since he is also facing the possibility that Olivia might lost custody of the baby that he should cut back on his own drinking to ensure he's a fit parent. Also, I cannot write a miscarriage story at the moment, but if you want one feel free to write it and I'm sure people will read it. Pregnancy may be over-done, but I feel like this story is different from the usual"Liv gets pregnant by the 'ship' of your choice" stories (even though I love those too.) If you hate it, you certainly won't hurt my feelings by not reading it.**

 **I am so appreciative of the reviews and enouragement. Keep letting me know what you think and I'll keep writing the best I can. Thanks!**

 **I hope you like this little chapter.**

She opened her eyes, the heavy smell of cooking wafting in the room. She hadn't felt sick in days, but there was something…maybe onions…she couldn't quite pin-point it, but whatever it was made her stomach church. She remembered Rafael, sleeping on her sofa, and realized he must have decided to make breakfast…probably trying to be a good father, and how was she going to reward his efforts? By getting sick at the thought of eating it.

She sat up, swallowing and breathing slowly to try to ease the nausea. There was a light tap at the door, "Come in…" she called and the door pushed open.

"Hey," he gave a nervous smile. "I wasn't sure if you were up yet. Noah woke up a little bit ago…"

She looked at the clock, "Shit…how did I sleep this late," and she pulled herself out of bed and rushed to the door, "Is he okay?"

"He's fine," Barba laughed. "I was up." He shrugged, "We watched cartoons." He saw the confusion on her face, "You don't have a no TV rule or something do you?" he asked. "I guess I should've checked."

"No," her face softened. "It's fine…he just doesn't usually warm up to strangers."

"I'm not a stranger, Liv," he reminded her. "He knows me...sort of..."

"Yeah, I guess," she sighed. "I'm sorry…I just…I'm not used to having someone else here."

He nodded, "You want me to leave?"

"No," she shook her head. "I didn't mean that."

"Okay," he gave a relieved smile. "Come on…I made breakfast…Noah's already eating." He turned and walked out the door and Olivia put her hand to her stomach and reluctantly followed.

Noah was sitting in his highchair, picking at his scrambled eggs and fruit, and she leaned forward, kissing him softly on the head, "Good morning, sweet boy," she said, tousling his hair while he spooned eggs into his mouth. She looked at Barba, "You got him to eat eggs. He usually just has cereal."

"Oh, I should've checked with you," he looked unsure of himself. "They're just plain eggs…I didn't add any seasonings to his…I'm sorry I didn't ask…"

"No, he likes them," she forced a smile and tried to forget how queasy she felt. She sat down, and rubbed her hand over the slight swell of her stomach. "Thanks for making breakfast," she said. "You didn't have to do it."

"I wanted to," he smiled, and he put a plate in front of her. "We used to have this when I was a kid," he said enthusiastically. "Eggs with peppers and onions, sausage and papaya." He placed a piece of warm, pressed bread next to the eggs, "And of course…tostada…"

"Where did you get all this food?" she looked at the plate and swallowed the burning saliva that stung her throat.

He sat next to her, taking a bite of his food and shrugged. "I walked down to the store on the corner…early…before Noah woke up. I bought some other groceries because last night you said there wasn't any food here. I wanted to make sure you have things to eat," He put down his fork, "I know we have a lot to talk about today…and I just wanted to do something to help…to help make things a little easier on you…"

"That's…so nice," she sighed, "You didn't have to…" she looked at the plate, picking up a piece of the fruit and putting it in her mouth, praying it would stay down.

"I want to do the right thing, Liv," he said softly. "I'm sorry about how a reacted yesterday."

"I know…" she whispered. "I'm sorry too…for all of this…"

"Just eat," he forced a sad smile. "There's plenty of time for both of us to be sorry…we just need to take this one moment at a time…"

She nodded, and reluctantly put a bite of eggs in her mouth, but her body wouldn't accept it as easily as the fruit. She knew she was going to get sick and she dashed out of the room so quickly that her fork ended up on the floor, and Rafael instinctively picked it up, sitting it on the counter before making the unsure decision to go after her. He knocked softly on the bathroom door, "Olivia…" he could hear her throwing up and when she didn't answer him he debated opening the door, trying to help her in some way…after all she was pregnant…and wasn't the expectant father supposed to help…hold back her hair or something? But he couldn't do that...it felt like he'd be invading her privacy...her personal space, so he walked back to the kitchen.

By the time she made it back into the kitchen they were both embarrassed and unclear about what to say. He wiped down the counter, "I…uhm…I threw out the food," his voice shook. "I tried to get the cooking smell out…"

"Rafael…" she sighed. "I'm sorry…I really did appreciate you making breakfast."

"You should've told me you were sick," he said, walking into the living room and sitting on the sofa. Olivia followed, sitting next to him and noticing Noah was busy playing with his toys.

"I wanted to eat it," she admitted. "Because you were trying so hard to help…" her eyes stung with tears, "I've messed up so much…I've hurt you…I didn't want to make you feel worse."

"You're pregnant…" he replied. "Morning sickness isn't something you can control. It wouldn't hurt me if you said you were too sick to eat," he exhaled slowly. "Liv…what the hell are we doing here? This isn't about us…not really…" he glanced at the way her tank top had shifted above her stomach, leaving an exposed patch of skin, and she noticed, quickly pulling it back down. "It's about her…" he added. "We have to do what's best for her…not us."

She nodded, "Yeah…but I'm not sure what that is." She admitted.

"Have you been sick like that the whole time?" he asked with concern.

She nodded, "I thought at first that it was from my drinking," she said sadly. "When they told me I was pregnant…I realized…but the doctor keeps saying it'll let up soon. I haven't thrown up in a few days…until today…" she bit her lip nervously. "I think the baby hates onions."

Rafael laughed, "Onions…" he smiled, "I could've made you something without the onions."

"I could smell them all the way in the bedroom this morning," she admitted. "And I spent the rest of the time trying not to throw up…but that bite…"

"Liv…" he looked at her with a sad smile. "Just be honest with me, okay? It's not going to hurt my feelings or make me hate you or cause me to disown the baby or whatever the hell else you have in your head…I don't want you thinking you have to pretend to be fine when you're not. If you're sick…just admit it. If you want me to help you…tell me. If you want me to get the hell away from you…tell me that too. Okay? Because I don't know what we're doing here…but if we're going to be parents, we have to figure out how to do this together."

She nodded, "Okay…we'll figure it out as we go along."

"We will," he agreed. "Now…do you need anything? I should probably go home and shower and shave…I have court this afternoon and maybe I can come back tonight and we could talk."

"I'm fine," she insisted. "I think Noah and I are going to go shopping. He needs new shoes and I don't have any pants that fit anymore," she looked down at her stomach.

"Do you need money?" he asked seriously.

"What?" she asked with a slight chuckle. "Rafael…I don't need your money…"

"You haven't been working," he reminded her. "And…don't I owe you…child support or something? I mean you need new clothes because of the baby and I feel like that's my fault."

She shook her head, "I have plenty of money…I have savings…and small inheritance from my mom…and I haven't been off work that long," she sighed. "You don't owe me anything…the baby isn't even here yet, and even when she is here…we'll both do what we need to do. I don't ever want this to be about money…or owing each other anything…okay? If I need something, I'll ask…we'll talk about it…"

"I just want to help," he added. "And I don't know how to do that."

"I know," she reached out and squeezed his hand. "We'll figure it out."

That night, Olivia walked down the street until she reached the small café where she was meeting Rafael for dinner. He'd texted her the address and asked her to meet him, and after checking to see if Lucy could babysit she'd agreed. She pushed open the door and walked in, noticing him sitting at a corner table and he stood up when he saw her approach the table. "You look pretty," his smile was uncertain as he looked at her in the clingy black dress and heels that made her much taller than him.

"I figured this will be the last time I can squeeze into this dress," she laughed, sitting when he pulled out her chair and taking a sip of the water that was already at her place setting. The waiter came over with a wine list, and Rafael turned him away, "You can have wine if you want," she said seriously. "I don't want you to feel like you can't."

"I told you," he smiled. "I should cut back on the drinking too." He sighed, "If I'd done it earlier…we wouldn't even be in this mess…" He saw her eyes shift with sadness, "Liv…I'm sorry…I didn't mean it like that…"

"I know," she nodded. "And it is a mess. I'm not denying that." The waiter returned with bread and salads, taking their orders and then disappearing again. "I'm sorry…" Olivia's voice quivered, "I want you to know that. I'm sorry I didn't go home that night…I'm sorry Tucker caught us and I kept it from you…I'm sorry I didn't know I was pregnant and that I drank so much while I was carrying our baby…I'm sorry I threw up your eggs…" her tears slid down her cheeks and he reached out and wiped them away with his napkin.

"I'm the one who's sorry," his voice shook. "I should have known something was going on…and I should have tried to talk to you about what happened between us instead of just pretending it never did…and when you came to tell me about the baby…I'm sorry I don't know how to be a dad…"

"I'm sorry I'm a lousy mother," she cried. "You didn't hurt the baby…"

"You don't know that you did either," he reminded her. "Liv, you can't keep beating yourself up. You didn't know you were pregnant. And you've stopped drinking…that's all you can do…and if she has disabilities…we'll face that and do what we need to do for her…" He gave a weak smile, "I couldn't get her off my mind all day. I never imagined having a baby…and yet today I kept wondering what she's going to look like…how small she'll be…if I want her to call me Daddy or Papi…"

"You have time to decide," she smiled.

"I know," he laughed. "But this isn't going to be easy for us. We're not a couple…we're not even dating…we're friends who made a mistake…and now we have this amazing gift…and we have to figure out how to make it work." He took her hand and held it tight, "I don't want to lose our friendship in all this." He sighed, "I've missed you so much…"

The waiter brought their food, and once he was gone, Olivia smiled, "I want us to be friends too…" Her phone buzzed and she grabbed it, looking at it, her face dropping. "Oh…what?" she sputtered in disbelief.

"What's wrong?" he asked with worry. "Liv…do we need to go?"

She shook her head, "It's 1PP…they are reinstating me…as commander of SVU…as soon as my doctor clears me to return to work," she looked up at him with wide eyes. "How the hell did this happen?"

"Aren't you happy?" he asked. "I thought you hated Community Affairs."

"I do…I did…" she sputtered. "I just don't know how we're going to do this now. When they find out you're the father of my baby…they won't want us working cases together…and we could get in trouble…"

"It's okay," he insisted, taking a bite of his food. "I went to 1PP today…and I told them I was wrong about you and Tucker…that I shouldn't have reported you."

"You did what?" she asked. "You got me reinstated?"

"They said they already knew you had nothing to do with the cover up…and Tucker had been cleared," he sighed. "So they were already going to reinstate you before I ever went in."

"But when they find out you're the father of my baby," she rubbed her temples, feeling the familiar headache and knowing her blood pressure was rising. "They're still going to have to do something…I could lose my job again."

"You won't," he insisted.

"How do you know that?" she asked anxiously.

"Because," he took another bite and swallowed quickly. "After I went to 1PP, I went to my boss…and I requested to transfer to another department. I start my new job next week…"

"Oh God…" she sputtered. "Why would you do that? You love your job."

"I love being a lawyer…and I don't have to prosecute sex crimes to do that," he insisted. "And this way…you won't get in trouble for our affair…and we won't have to hide the fact that I'm the father…" he sighed. "I wanted to do something…something to help you and the baby…and this was the best thing for all of us."

"Thank you…" she cried.

He nodded, putting food on his fork and motioning toward her plate, "Are you gonna eat?" he asked, "You're not sick again, are you?"

She laughed through her tears, quickly brushing them away and picking up her fork, "No…I'm not sick. I'm fine…" and for the first time in months, she actually was.

 **tbc**


	7. Chapter 7

**Thanks for all the reviews (good and not so good.) It's nice to know people are reading. I'm sorry some people were disappointed this didn't turn out to be Tuckson. I gave a warning in the first chapter that there would be other ships mentioned. Anyway, thanks for giving it a shot. I'm hoping to finish this up in a couple more chapters.**

 **Here is a little more. I haven't had much writing time so that is why I haven't posted for a couple of days.**

 **Please review and give me your thoughts. Thanks!**

Olivia looked in the mirror, trying to camouflage her pregnancy, and realizing that at nineteen weeks it was going to be no easy feat. She let her hand rest on her stomach, letting out the breath she'd been holding, "Oh baby girl," she sighed. "Why can't you hide a little bit longer?" She chose a loose fitting blouse that was long, hoping to hide the maternity pants she was wearing and pulled her jacket on, turning to the side to check out her body from that angle. "They'll just think I'm gaining weight…I hope…" she tried to convince herself as she prepared for her first day back at SVU. Her doctor had finally cleared her to return a couple of weeks later than she'd hoped, due to her blood pressure, and even now her duties were going to be modified. While she was anxious to get things back to normal, she wasn't sure what normal was anymore.

Dropping Noah off at daycare for the first time in weeks had taken longer than she expected, and she walked into work late, her mascara smudged from crying at the daycare drop-off. "Boss.." Carisi greeted her with donuts and coffee which she gratefully accepted. "We're glad your back. It hasn't been the same around here."

"Thanks," she forced a smile and took a bite of the sugary donut. "I'll be in my office…" she motioned toward the door, but Carisi wouldn't let her go that easily.

"All the new case files are on your desk," he offered. "If you want someone to go over them with you…"

"Thanks, but I'll catch myself up," she said. "I need to get settled in and see what needs to be taken care of in the files."

"If you need to call the ADA, Barba's gone," Rollins threw in her own comment. "I heard he transferred out because he found something that paid better…lawyers, everything thing they do is for money."

"I doubt that's the reason, but I heard he left," Olivia sighed. "He has the right to move on."

"Yeah, but they keep sending a parade of new people in and no one has really shown an interest in staying for longer than one case," Rollins sounded annoyed. "It's not easy to deal with someone new on each case."

"I know," Olivia nodded. "But we'll work it out." She walked into her office, sitting her bag on the desk and taking a seat, looking at the piles of file folders before dipping her donut into the coffee and taking another bite.

Carisi looked toward her office, "She couldn't wait to lock herself away in there," he sighed. "I think she's had a rough time away."

"Why would you say that?" Rollins asked.

"Did you get a look at her?" he shook his head. "She gained some weight…she looks miserable…I heard she was on medical leave after Community Affairs, but no one will say why. She passed out in court is all I know…so it can't be good."

"Who are you talking about?" Fin walked up, grabbing a donut from the box.

"Boss lady," Carisi motioned toward her office. "She's back…but she doesn't seem very happy. Doesn't look so great either…she's getting pretty pudgy…"

"I'm sure she's just trying to get back into the routine, and I'd leave those _pudgy_ comments to yourself. She'll knock you senseless if she hears that," Fin argued. "I'll go check on her." He walked to Olivia's office and knocked, opening the door before she could invite him in. "Welcome back," he smiled, walking to her desk and sitting down. He motioned toward her breakfast, "Are you supposed to have coffee?"

She swallowed the bite and put the donut down. "The doctor says I can have one cup a day," she pushed it away. "But you're right…I shouldn't…not with everything else I put in my body before I knew I was pregnant…I swear this is the first cup I've had since I found out…"

"I was just teasing you," he said seriously. "I'm sorry…I shouldn't have." He forced a smile, "You gonna tell the squad about the baby?" he asked.

She shook her head, "Not yet…I'm not ready for them to know. I'm just now back…I don't even know if I can do this anymore…"

"Sure you can," he insisted. "But you should tell them. Carisi is already noticing…"

"Noticing?" she asked. "Oh…that I'm fat. He's noticed that, huh?"

"I think the word he used was pudgy," Fin laughed.

"Well he can just think I'm eating too many donuts," she picked up her donut and shoved the rest of it in her mouth.

"Liv…you doing okay?" Fin asked nervously. "I've called a few times…but you haven't called back. You've only texted me twice since you got home from the hospital."

"I know," she said softly. "I'm just trying to get myself back together…going to treatment…dealing with everything…I should've called you, especially after all you've done to help me. I'm sorry, Fin...I really am..."

"How did Tucker take the news about the baby?" he asked. "I heard he left…"

She nodded, "He did…but it's for the best…"

"What kind of son of a bitch abandons his own kid to move to Florida and chase after beach bunnies?" Fin asked angrily. "You better at least sue his ass for child support."

"Fin," she shook her head. "I should have told you this before, but Ed isn't the father of this baby."

"What?" he asked.

"Remember what I told you happened _before_ …before I started seeing Tucker," she whispered.

"Oh…" he nodded. "So the one night stand…he's the daddy?" she nodded. "Are you sure? Did you tell him?"

She sighed, "Yes…and we're working it out."

"You gonna tell me who he is now?" Fin asked.

She shook her head, "It's not up to me to tell. If he wants people to know…he'll tell…otherwise I'd rather just keep this private." She picked up the coffee and took a sip, slamming it down on the desk. "Dammit…why can't I just stop? It's here so I drink it…just like the damn wine…"

"Hey…calm down," he looked serious. "Did you have wine? Is that what this is about?"

"No," she shook her head. "But I still want to…" her eyes filled with tears. "And I used to leave here after all the cases had gotten the best of me…and I'd drink…and I'd feel better. I'm so afraid to go home tonight. I don't know how I'll deal with the stress of the day…and I'm scared I'll give in and drink…and hurt my baby…"

"You want me to come over?" he asked. "Because I can…"

"I don't know," she wiped at her tears. "Maybe…" a knock at the door interrupted their conversation and they both looked up to see Carisi standing there. "What is it?" she asked.

"Barba's here," Carisi looked confused. "He says he was in the building, and he needed to talk to you."

"Okay, send him in," she said, standing to her feet and pulling her jacket close around her. "Fin and I were about done, right?"

"Sure," he nodded and walked out, making small talk with Barba as he entered the office.

Once they were alone, Olivia looked seriously at him, "What are you doing here?" she asked. "You transferred so it doesn't make sense that you'd be here to see me."

"I wanted to say hi," he smiled, "See how your first day back is going?"

"It's been fine…" she said. "I've been here an hour and managed to accomplish nothing. Carisi is apparently talking about how fat I am to anyone who will listen. Fin had to remind me I'm not supposed to have coffee. And I've eaten two donuts…"

He laughed, "Sounds like a productive day already." He could tell she wasn't happy though. "Are you feeling okay? You look…off…"

"I feel fine," she insisted. "I'm tired…" she out her hand to her stomach and gasped, shocking him.

"What?" he asked nervously. "Are you in pain? Is it the baby?"

She shook her head, "No…" she sputtered. "I mean…yes, it's the baby …but it doesn't hurt…" she bit her lip and then gave a small smile, "I think she's moving…"She pushed on her stomach and exhaled slowly. "Wow…"

"Can I feel?" he asked, unsure of how she'd react to him touching her, but it was his baby too.

She nodded, grabbing his hand and placing it where she'd felt the tiny flutters, "I don't think you can feel it yet though," she said sadly.

"Maybe in a couple of weeks," he said softly. "I'm glad you can feel her though…she must like those donuts you were feeding her," he laughed.

"Maybe," she smiled. Just then the door opened and Carisi stood there, staring at the two of them, Barba's hand still resting on her stomach and his eyes widened. Olivia pushed his hand away, pulling her jacket around her, "Carisi…" she sputtered. "What do you need?"

"Uhm…" he wasn't sure how to pretend he didn't see what he saw. "Dodds called…he's gonna be late…said he'd call you by lunchtime to fill you in…" he cleared his throat. "I'm sorry…I didn't mean to…" he looked toward the door, "I'll just go…"

"No…it's okay," Olivia said with a sigh. "I guess it's time to get this out in the open," she took a deep breath. "I'm going to have a baby…I guess you figured that out."

" _We're_ having a baby," Barba added. "A little girl…"

"Wow…congratulations…" Carisi was more confused than ever. "So you two…uhm…I didn't know you were together…"

"We're not," Olivia said seriously. "But this baby is loved and that's all that matters."

"Of course…" Carisi looked back and forth between the two of them, disbelief on his face. "Don't worry…I can keep a secret…"

"No…go ahead…go tell everyone," Olivia laughed. "It'll save me the hassle." She watched him walk out and then turned to Barba, "Fin is going to be pissed," she sighed. "I wouldn't tell him who the father was…and Carisi knew first."

"Why didn't you tell him?" he asked.

"Because…it's not my place to do that," she explained. "I wasn't sure how much you'd want people to know…and I don't want you to feel pressured…especially since we don't even know who we are to each other in this…"

He gave a sad smile, "We are this little girl's Mommy and Daddy," he said sincerely. "That's all that matters…and I would never want to keep that a secret, Liv."

"I thought you wanted her to call you Papi," she teased.

He laughed, "I have time to decide, remember…" He smiled. "And speaking of me being her Papi…" his voice changed and she could tell he was worried. "Her abuelita would like us to go to dinner with her tonight."

"Really? Dinner with your mom," Olivia asked nervously. "Why? Lucia hates me."

"She does not," he looked confused. "Why would you say that?"

"She said I make you crazy," Olivia reminded him.

"Well, that's not untrue," he smiled. "But she's excited to be a grandmother. She isn't very happy about how this happened, though. I think she just wants to get a feel for things. To see how we're planning to make this work. She said you should bring Noah."

"I don't know," Olivia sighed. " _We_ don't even know how we're going to make this work. I sure as hell can't explain it to _her_ , and I might be working."

"You are supposed to be on modified duty," he reminded her. "So you should be home in plenty of time." He looked serious, "Please…do this for me."

Olivia nodded reluctantly.

"I'll text you the name of the restaurant," he motioned toward the door, "I should let you get back to work…I need to get back to the office anyway…"

"Okay," she nodded, taking off her jacket and hanging it on the back of her chair, letting the swell of her stomach take shape under her hand as she pushed gently against it.

"She's moving…still?" he asked, slightly disappointed that he couldn't feel it too.

She nodded, "Yeah…I'm wondering if it was the sugary donut, or maybe the couple of drinks of coffee…maybe the combination."

"Maybe she just wanted to make your first day back extra special," he winked, then he turned and walked out the door.

 **tbc**


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry it has been so long since I updated, but I hope this makes up for it. Let me know what you think, because I look forward to reading your thoughts.**

 **Happy Easter to those who celebrate it. I hope the Easter bunny was good to you :)**

Olivia walked toward the restaurant, Noah perched on her hip. It wasn't far from her apartment and she'd made the mistake of thinking he could easily walk the distance, but he'd started whining and eventually she decided carrying him was the better option. Now she was out of breath and her back hurt from the strain of carrying her toddler son on top of the pregnancy, and the last thing she wanted to do was endure an uncomfortable dinner with Lucia Barba. She saw Rafael, standing outside the restaurant, waiting for her and he rushed to her when he saw her carrying Noah, grabbing him and looking at her with concern, "Why are you carrying him? He's too heavy…"

"I'm fine," she insisted, taking a deep breath. "He's been in a fussy mood tonight. I thought he'd like the walk, but he didn't and I didn't have time to go back and get the stroller…" her words were fast and sharp. "Just put him down…is your mom here yet?"

"She's inside," he sat Noah down and Olivia grabbed the little boy's hand. "Liv…this will be fine. Don't worry about it, okay. She just wants to talk…get to know you better…"

"Well maybe I don't want her to get to know me," she sputtered, before stopping herself and looking serious. "I'm scared…and I'm not sure I can do this. I just feel…off…like I'm going to make a huge mess of this night and I'm not sure I can face your mother. How much does she already know?"

"Liv, it's gonna be okay," he tried to assure her. "She knows we got drunk and made a baby. That's it. She's not expecting us to be one big happy family. She's more upset with me than anyone, trust me."

"I'm scared," Olivia admitted, resting her hand on her stomach. "I want my baby to have a family…but I don't know how to be part of a family."

"Come on," he motioned her into the restaurant. "Stop worrying. It's gonna be fine."

Olivia nodded, following him into the restaurant and to a table toward the back. Mrs. Barba stood to greet her, a smile that was a little too forced, plastered across her face. "Lieutenant Benson…" she said, giving her an awkward hug, "It's so good you could come."

"Olivia," her voice quivered. "Please…call me Olivia," she sat down and put Noah in her lap.

"They're bringing a highchair," Mrs. Barba said quickly. "For your little boy…Noah, right? He's adorable. How old is he?"

"He's two…and thanks," Olivia replied, already tired of the small talk. Someone came with the highchair and she stood to place Noah in it. She could tell Rafael's mother was staring at her, focused primarily on the way her black dress clung to the bulge of her midsection, and she was embarrassed and self-conscious about it.

"You're showing quite a bit," Mrs. Barba said gently. "You must be getting pretty excited…not to the uncomfortable point yet, but at the stage when everyone can tell you're having a baby."

Olivia sat back in her chair, "Yeah…it's a different feeling than I expected I think," she sighed.

"How so?" Mrs. Barba asked as the waiter brought a bottle of wine, pouring some for her and then reaching for Rafael's glass.

"No thank you," he stopped the waiter and his mother looked at him questioningly. "I'm supporting Liv…I mean she's pregnant…so she can't drink…and I'm trying to experience everything with her."

His mother laughed, "Men…" she rolled her eyes and looked at Olivia. "He thinks he can experience everything with you…that would be sweet if it wasn't so ridiculous." She took a sip of her wine, "I mean…he's not the one with the weight gain and the nausea and the heartburn…am I right? How much weight have you put on dear?"

"Mami…" he shook his head with frustration. "Don't…"

"He's doing all he can," Olivia assured her. "He's going to be a great dad."

"I know he will," his mother smiled, reaching out and squeezing his hand. "I just wish he had gone about this in the more traditional way. I mean, I'm no prude…but a one-night-stand that ends with a baby…what does your mother think about all this, Olivia? We should have invited her to join us tonight. I'd love to meet her."

"Uhm…" Olivia's voice cracked. "My mother passed away several years ago."

"Oh honey, I'm sorry…" she took another sip of her wine. "What about your father?"

"He's…gone too," Olivia answered quickly. "It's just me and Noah…and now this little one…"

The waiter came and took their orders and the table was silent as Rafael grabbed the wine bottle and poured himself a drink after all. They couldn't even manage small talk, and Olivia was relieved when the food arrived and she could busy herself cutting up Noah's chicken into small pieces.

"Liv felt the baby move today," Rafael said out of nowhere, trying to bring them back into a conversation.

"Really?" Mrs. Barba smiled. "That must've been great."

"It was," Olivia agreed. "Makes me feel more connected to her…like she's letting me know she's really in there," she smiled.

"I can't believe I am going to have a granddaughter," she said gently. "I can't wait to announce her arrival…her name…my family and friends have been wondering if Rafi would ever have a child."

"I was thinking of calling her Serena…after my mom," Olivia offered, taking a bite of her food.

"Oh…" Mrs. Barba's voice dropped and Olivia looked at her and then at Rafael questioningly.

"We were hoping you'd consider naming her Catalina…after my abuelita…" he explained. "But we can decide that later."

"I'm sorry…you never mentioned that," Olivia said softly.

"Well you never mentioned the name Serena," he explained. "It's okay…we'll work it out."

"You two haven't even discussed what to name her?" his mother asked seriously. "How are you going to handle deciding where she lives…which night's she stays with which parent…have you thought about any of that?"

"Mami…we're doing the best we can," Rafael tried to explain. "It's going to work out."

"How old are you?" his mother looked at Olivia.

"Why does that matter?" Rafael asked angrily. "Liv, you don't have to answer that."

"I just want to know…I mean you seem older than Rafi…and I wonder if that's why you won't marry him. He was just a nice young fling for you," her face was angry and Olivia bit her lip with anxiety.

"I'm 47," she answered.

"And I'm 44…" he sputtered, "Age has nothing to do with this…absolutely nothing." He looked at his mother seriously, "I didn't ask her to marry me. I don't _want_ to get married."

Olivia felt like she couldn't breathe, " _We_ don't want to get married." She said sadly.

"Well, there are two children here without fathers," she motioned toward Noah who was obliviously eating his dinner. "I work in the public schools. I see all kinds of families, but the ones where the parents don't know how to come to a consensus about the kids, are the ones with children who are lost and suffering."

"Rafael is not Noah's father," Olivia reminded her. "My son has been perfectly fine without a dad…and Rafael and I will do whatever we need to do to ensure the wellbeing of our daughter…he can see her whenever he wants."

"Well maybe Rafi would like to have his daughter full-time," Mrs. Barba suggested. "It's not really fair of you to assume you'll have custody."

"Did you tell your mother you want custody?" Olivia asked nervously.

"No, Liv," he promised. "She's speaking out of turn." He spoke in a whisper, "I'll take her if I need to…like we talked about…but I don't want to take her from you."

"I just think you should consider getting married," his mother said honestly. "Or at least moving in together. If you don't love each other enough for that…what kind of example are you setting for Noah and Catalina…or Serena, whatever you name her?"

"Mami…" Rafael stood up angrily. "I want to talk to you outside…now…" he grabbed her arm and she quickly followed him.

Olivia sat there, watching her son eat his dinner and her mind was jumbled with a million thoughts. Rafael's mother thought she was a bad mother. She was going to convince him to take the baby from her. She was panicking and felt like she needed to escape, but she could see the two of them outside the window and there was no way to get past them. Then she saw the wine bottle on the table and picked it up, turning over her empty glass and filling it, drinking it down in one fast gulp. Tears came to her eyes and she hated herself, but she couldn't stop and she poured another glass, drinking it just as quickly, before emptying the bottle and wishing she could get by with ordering another. Then she saw Rafael and his mother coming back into the restaurant and she pushed the bottle aside and tipped the glass back over into empty position, hoping they wouldn't notice.

She stood up, grabbing her purse while Rafael tried to stop her, "Don't go…Liv…my mother knows she was wrong. Right?" he looked toward his mother.

"I'm sorry…" she said with little commitment. "I just don't want to see my son hurt…and I love my granddaughter."

"I can't stay…I don't feel very well," Olivia said, suddenly feeling the soft flutters of her daughter, her eyes filling with tears at the realization that she'd just downed two and half glasses of wine and she couldn't hide behind the excuse that she didn't know she was hurting her child. She did know…and she'd done it anyway. "Uhm…can you watch Noah…I think I'm gonna be sick…" she asked Rafael, without waiting for an answer and she ran off to the ladies room.

She pushed open the stall, kneeling over the toilet and sticking her finger down her throat until she vomited. It was the only thing she could think to do to prevent the baby from getting the full effect of the alcohol. "I'm so sorry…" she said tearfully, as she made herself gag again and then she heard footsteps behind her and someone knelt down beside her.

"Liv," his voice was shaking. "I came in…the ladies room…because I want to help you."

She gasped, looking up at Rafael, her eyes red and her face pale, "Did your mom send you?" she asked. "And where's my son?"

"He's with my mom," he said brushing her hair back from her face. "She didn't send me…but…if I'm gonna be a father it's time I started acting like it. She's not wrong about that."

"Just go," she tried to push him away, wishing he'd go so she could try to throw up again, afraid of leaving anything in her stomach. "I don't want you here."

"Why are you so sick?" he asked nervously. "You haven't been sick in a couple of weeks. I thought it was getting better. Maybe we should get you to a doctor?"

"Get out!" she screamed, and when he wouldn't she had no choice but to make herself vomit with him watching her.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked, grabbing her hand from her mouth, and when he got closer to her he could smell the alcohol. "Oh God…"

"Let me do this," she said, and he stood back and waited for her to finish. When she couldn't get anything else up, she tried to stand to her feet, but she was shaky and weak and he reluctantly helped her. "You were drinking…" he said and she couldn't look him in the eye. Instead she walked to the sink and splashed water on her face, cupping her hands under the faucet and using the water to rinse her mouth. She tried to reach for the door handle, but he grabbed her arm, "Don't you dare walk away from me!" he said angrily. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

She jerked her arm away, "Don't touch me," she sputtered.

"You need help," he tried to calm his voice, but he was so angry it was hard. "Tell me...when did you start drinking again?"

She shook her head, tears streaming down her cheeks, "Just tonight…I swear…I had stopped…"

"I don't know if I believe you," he said truthfully.

She sobbed,"I swear…I was just so overwhelmed…and I didn't want to come here tonight, but you made me…"

"Don't you dare put this on me," he yelled. " _You_ did this! You couldn't put our daughter ahead of the alcohol Olivia. Fuck…"

"I'm going home," she reached for the door, but he quickly blocked her from opening it.

"Like hell you are," he argued. "You're going to treatment…an in-patient rehab facility…tonight…"

"No, I'm not," she sputtered. "I'm fine…"

"You're not fine," he insisted. "And our daughter sure as hell isn't fine. You can't keep yourself from drinking…you're going to hurt her…you don't even care…"

"I do care," she cried. "I love her. I made myself throw up the wine…"

" _You love her_?" he asked. "Then you get help…right now…tonight…" he looked her in the eye, and he could see the pain, but he knew there was no way to make it better. She needed him to be tough, because caring wasn't going to work for her right now. "If you don't…I'm taking you to court and I will get custody of her…full custody…and you won't ever see her again. I can't let you hurt her anymore."

"Please don't do this to me," she pleaded. " _Rafael…please_ …"

"I'm not doing this to you," he sighed. "You did this to yourself…" She stood there are cried, not saying anything else. "I'm gonna tell my mom that you're sick, and I'm taking you and Noah home. When we get there, you're gonna pack some clothes and I'm going to drive you to rehab…"

"What about Noah?" she asked through her sobs. "I don't have anyone to take him."

"I'll stay with him, at your place," he offered. "That way Lucy can still watch him if I have to work late or something. I'll tell 1pp that you're in the hospital, but they don't have to have all the details. When you get out, we'll take it from there…"

"I'm going to die in that place…please don't make me go there…" she begged.

"If you don't go…" he replied, his face as worn and tired as his voice, "You're gonna die out here…alone…because Noah and this baby will be with people who can take care of them, Olivia. Right now, that's not you." Then he opened the door, and took her arm, walking her back to the restaurant dining room. He wondered how he could have been so blind to how bad things really were, and he wasn't sure he could forgive himself for not doing more to protect his child. He'd believed her when she said she was getting better, and now he was sure he could never trust her again. It broke his heart.

 **tbc**


	9. Chapter 9

**Thanks for the kind reviews. I know that last chapter was tough to swallow, but believe me, Liv has to face what she's done and get the help she needs before things will get better. They will get better though.**

 **I figured I would post this since it is SVU Wednesday. I didn't think tonight's show was as great as it was hyped up to be, so I guess I just decided to go ahead and keep living in my fanfic world. LOL**

 **I'd love to hear what you think of this chapter. Thanks for reading.**

"Hey…how's it going tonight," he walked down the hall toward the reception desk, waving at the nurses and waiting for them to fill him in on the latest patient load. He'd worked at the rehab center for a little over two years now, and while it wasn't where he planned to see himself at this point in his life, it felt right.

"Pretty easy going," a young nurse looked up at him with a grin. "No one's melting down or anything," she laughed. "How was the wedding? We've missed you around here."

"I was only gone three days," he reminded her. "The wedding was good. I can't believe my daughter is married. I'll never forget bringing her here as a patient, addicted to drugs and alcohol. She's a different person today. Now she's off in Hawaii for a week, and I get to come back here," he looked around at the shabby carpet and furnishings, wondering how anyone ever managed to get better in such a depressing place. "Anyone new I should keep an eye on?"

"You're security," she reminded him. "Not the therapist." He knew she was right, but he felt like his job was more than just checking safety procedures and keeping the patients from killing each other in a withdrawal-fueled brawl. He worked nights, when most people would be asleep, and the nurses were busy with paperwork or caring for people who were physically unable to care for themselves, and he'd realized early on that sometimes the patients just needed someone to talk to at night. That getting through those darkest hours sometimes took a stranger to listen to them, and in the two years he'd been there, he'd learned pretty quickly that, for the most part, these were normal people who somehow had taken a turn in life that led them into a pit of despair they couldn't climb out of…and it made his instincts kick in. He may not have been a cop anymore, but the need to do good was still there and if he could help he would. The doctors and nurses were fine with it, as long as he just remained a listening ear, and didn't get too close to anyone, and so far he'd been able to oblige. "There's a new patient in room 130. She's pretty angry about being here." The nurse told him.

"Court ordered?" he asked, assuming if the woman was angry that she wasn't there voluntarily.

The nurse shook her head, "No, but I don't think she came willingly. Her boyfriend brought her in…well maybe ex-boyfriend…she's pregnant…he told the doctor if she doesn't get sober he's taking the baby."

"Oh," he sighed. He hated seeing these young girls in here who had already ruined their lives. "How young is this one?" he asked. "Is she even over 21?" He thought about all the patients he'd met there who weren't even legally old enough to drink, but that hadn't stopped them.

The nurse nodded, "Oh…she's not young, believe me," the woman answered. "She's mid 40s…maybe even older…"

"You said she's pregnant?" he asked, and the nurse nodded. "What'd she have fertility treatments and then decide to kill her kid with alcohol? That makes no sense."

"I don't know, but she has a toddler too," the nurse added. "You know I can't give you any info from her file, but if you want to work your magic, maybe you can get her to talk to you. She sure as hell hates everyone else here."

"All right…I'll stop in when I'm checking the locks later," he said. "What's her name?"

The nurse replied, "Olivia…" he seemed taken back by the mention of the name, and she looked curiously at him. "What…is something wrong?"

"No," he shook his head and gave a weak smile. "My old partner's name was Olivia. I just haven't heard the name in a while. That's all…" he answered, walking down the hall.

Elliot walked down the hall, saying hello to a few patients who were chatting in the doorways. It wasn't late enough for lights out, and usually patients would gather in the TV room or do their laundry or play cards. Some would lock themselves away in their rooms, reading books or writing in journals…and some just liked to talk. He was supposed to keep an eye on them, make sure they were safe and no one was getting hurt, and for the most part there were rarely any problems. He stopped at a few closed doors, glancing in the window glass, just long enough to make sure the patients were not doing anything dangerous, and no one was. Then he remembered the new patient in room 130 and as he made his way to her door, he wondered what she'd think about someone like him trying to start up a conversation. Maybe he'd just peek in unnoticed to try to gauge her personality. He looked through the small glass window, hoping he wouldn't be seen, but he froze at the sight, and stood there longer than he should have.

She didn't see him. She was sitting on the bed, dressed in yoga pants and an oversized NYPD sweatshirt, her hair pulled back into a ponytail. She had her knees raised to her chin, her glasses perched on the end of her nose, and she seemed to be staring into space, but when he looked more closely he could tell she was crying. She looked older than he remembered, and yet younger at the same time. She had a hardness about her, but she seemed small and childlike the way she leaned against the wall and wrapped her arms around her knees, resting her chin on them. He wanted to open the door, to rush to her side and hold her, to tell her everything was going to be okay, but he couldn't. He hadn't seen her in four years and things obviously weren't okay. "Liv…" he whispered. "How did you end up here?"

Elliot decided to wait until the following day to confront Olivia. He needed time to face his own demons before he could help her face hers, and truthfully he wasn't sure how she would react to seeing him. He didn't want to delay her progress. He'd thought about calling the station, to see if anyone could fill him in on her life, but he knew there was a chance no one knew she was there and he didn't want to cause more problems for her. The nurse had said she was pregnant, that she had a toddler, and apparently there was a boyfriend or an ex…but he'd cut himself off from his old life and he hadn't known about any of that, and so he'd have to leave it to her to share how she'd ended up in rehab instead of at home with the family he knew she'd wanted for as long as he'd known her.

He walked up to the nurses station, "How's Liv doing today?" he asked the young nurse from the night before.

"Liv?" she asked questioningly.

"Olivia…" he corrected himself. "The new patient? How's she been today?"

The nurse shrugged, "A friend brought her kid up earlier for visiting hours. She was happy then, but when they left she flipped out. Started begging one of the orderlies to let her call someone to come get her…that she was going to sign herself out. Then the ex came up here and showed her some custody papers he was going to file if she didn't stay and so she locked herself in her room. I saw her walking toward the laundry room a few minutes ago though…so maybe she's calmer now."

"Or maybe she's just out of clean clothes for her escape," he tried to sound like he was joking, but he also knew Olivia and couldn't imagine she'd give up so easily.

"Well you can check the laundry room first tonight," the nurse suggested. "Maybe you can get her to calm down. You have a knack for it."

"Yeah…" he sighed, knowing this was one patient who would not be calmed by seeing him.

He walked to the laundry room, hoping there wouldn't be many people around in case she melted down. When he walked in, she was alone, bending over one of the machines and pulling out wet clothes. She put the clothes in the dryer, and then sat down in a rickety plastic chair and watched them swirl in the machine. She was dressed in leggings and a Marine Corp t-shirt that he was pretty sure belonged to him, and she put her hand on her stomach, exhaling slowly and he could tell she was pregnant this time. It hadn't been obvious the night before in her sweats. She looked deep in thought and he didn't want to disturb her, but he couldn't keep avoiding her either. "Liv…" his voice creaked when he spoke and he realized just how nervous he was. She looked up at him, and her mouth opened, but no words came out. He walked over to her, "Hey…are you okay?"

"Elliot?" she looked confused. Then she stood up and walked toward the door, an action he hadn't really expected and he ran after her.

"Wait!" he yelled and he grabbed her arm, forcing her to stop. "Don't go…"

She shook her head, "You're not here…" she sputtered. "I'm losing my damn mind…" she cried and her breathing was shaky. "Let me go…"

"Liv…" he tried to stay calm. "I'm here…for real…it's okay…"

"It's okay?" she sobbed. "I'm locked up in this hell hole…I've lost everything…and now you show up…I can't see you now. Why are you here? Who told you I was here?"

He shook his head, "I work here," he explained. "Kathleen was a patient here a couple of years ago, and they worked wonders for her. They had an opening in security and I took it." He gave a sad smile. "I saw you last night…in your room, when I was doing hallway and room checks…I just…didn't know what to say…"

"No one knows what to say to me," she sniffled. "I'm a screw up…that's why I'm here."

"You're here to get help," he reminded her. "That's not screwing up. That's fixing the problem."

"You don't understand," she cried. "I'm just like my mother…and I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to talk to anyone. I just want out of here."

"Why?" he asked seriously. "So you can go drink?"

"Fuck you, Elliot," she sputtered. "You don't get to say that to me. You don't even know why I'm here."

"Well, I assume it's because you're an addict," he said seriously. "That's why everyone is here. And I'd guess it's alcohol…knowing your past…but maybe I'm wrong about that…"

"Leave me alone," she insisted, but she made no effort to move this time.

"You're pregnant," he said, looking at the way the t-shirt pulled tight across her stomach. "You leave here…what do you think the chances are that your baby will be born healthy?"

"I'm not going to hurt her," her voice quivered.

"If you're here," he said honestly. "And you're that far along…I'd guess you probably haven't been taking very good care of her up til now."

"You don't know anything," she argued. "I'm here because I had a fucking one night stand with a pompous ADA who thinks he can control me because I'm carrying a baby that is half his. He put me here…"

"Because you were drinking, Olivia," he reminded her. "You were drinking…and you're pregnant…do you even recognize what you're doing to that little baby…and yourself?"

"I only drank once after I knew…" she cried. "And I didn't mean to. I just did it…but I made myself throw it up. I didn't want to hurt her…"

"I know you didn't want to," he said, sympathetically. "But you couldn't stop yourself…and that's why you're here…that's why you have to stop being so difficult with everyone and let them help you get better."

"Rafael's going to take my baby," she cried. "Maybe I should just let him. I'm going to screw her up…just like my mom screwed me up. And my son…he doesn't even have a father. He's going to end up in foster care or something…"

Elliot nodded, "If you don't get better…that's exactly what's going to happen. You don't want that for them, Liv. I know you don't.

"Maybe they'd be better off," she sighed, walking out of the room, and all he could do was watch her go.

 **tbc**


	10. Chapter 10

**Here is a little update. Sorry it is short, but I decided to split the chapter as the next part really didn't fit in with this. Hopefully it is worth reading in spite of the shorter length.**

 **Thanks for all the reviews. I love the encouragement from most of them! I see a couple of people are not very happy with the story right now, but I appreciate you taking time to review anyway. To the person who said I act like I don't like Olivia, that is very far from the truth. She's my favorite character on television, and it makes me sad to see the person she's becoming on the show. This is my way of helping her get back to the woman we all love.**

 **Again, I'd love to know what you think about this chapter. :) Thanks for reading.**

He decided to wait until it was almost time for lights out before making his way to her room. The evening had been pretty easy-going other than their meeting in the laundry room. There had been one issue with a patient in the TV room, and he'd managed to get the man to his room without incident, and since then he'd been walking the halls and thinking of how to approach Olivia again. He couldn't stand the thought of her giving up on herself or letting alcohol destroy her the way it had destroyed her mother. He needed to help her any way he could.

He peeked through the window, and saw her sitting on the bed. She was looking at a picture of a little boy, he assumed was her son, and her cheeks were stained with tears. He knocked and she turned to look at him, wiping her cheeks and rolling her eyes, putting the picture back on the nightstand, but not attempting to get up to answer the door. He pushed the door open and walked in, carrying a laundry basket and sitting it on the floor, "You left your clothes in the dryer," he said.

"Thanks," she cleared her throat and avoided eye contact. She was angry to see him and he knew it. "I didn't forget them. I was gonna go get them later."

"I figured you could use the help," he wanted to sit next to her, but there were strict rules about employees in patient rooms and as much as he cared about her, he couldn't overstep those boundaries. He pulled out the chair from the small desk in the room and sat in it instead, "I'm sorry I made you upset earlier," he said honestly.

"I'm fine," she insisted, though he knew she wasn't. She put her hand to her stomach, pushing gently on the small bump, and she exhaled slowly.

"Do you feel okay?" he asked. "Are you having pains? I can get the nurse."

She shook her head, "No…she's just fluttering around and I'm still not used to it," she sighed.

"How far along are you? Sixteen weeks or so," he asked. "You're not very big to be feeling her move."

"Almost 20 weeks," she sighed, shifting again on the bed. "Her grandmother apparently thinks I'm a cow. She was making all sorts of comments about how much I'm showing…the night I came here." She focused her sad eyes on him. "The baby's measuring a little on the small side," she bit her lip and looked at him seriously. "The doctor said it might be because of my drinking in the first trimester." It was the first time she'd admitted out loud that the doctor had concerns. She hadn't even told Rafael, and her eyes filled with tears. "I never wanted to hurt her. I was already out of the first trimester when I found out I was pregnant…I'm so old, this never should have happened anyway...she's nothing short of a miracle from God...I never thought I was pregnant...I just…I didn't mean to do this to her…"

"But you drank again," he reminded her. "After you knew. You have this little miracle baby that you admit wouldn't be here without a divine intervention, and yet you were willing to throw that all away for a drink. You can't keep denying this, Liv. I know you didn't _want_ to hurt her, but that doesn't change what's happened."

"I'm not denying anything," she sputtered. "I'm a fucking drunk…just like my mother. I hurt my kids…okay. That's what you want me to say, right? I hurt them. I can't fix it now. I can't make her healthy. I can't get back the times I've neglected Noah or left him with a babysitter so I could go out and drink. I can't do a damn thing about any of this!"

"You can move on from it," he argued. "You can get better, and be the mom they deserve _now_. I know how much you've wanted to be a mother, for as long as I've known you. How did it get to this, Olivia? I mean…why would you ruin your chance at happiness for the comfort of a liquor bottle?"

"I don't know," she admitted, tearfully. "I hate myself for it. I hate that I've become this person." She shook her head, "But being here isn't helping me. All its doing is giving me time to dwell on the mistakes I've made and hate myself even more."

"You can talk to the therapists…the treatment counselors," he reminded her. "They can give you strategies to fall back on when you want to drink. They can help you identify your triggers. But you have to do your part…and if you're not willing to do that then you're right. Nothing is going to help you."

She shook her head, "I hate it here," she admitted. "I was doing fine with outpatient treatment. I slipped one time, when Rafael made me have dinner with his mother, and she was making rude comments about my weight, and harassing us about getting married, and arguing about the baby's name."

"Liv…that's a part of life," he insisted. "You can't avoid life just to keep from drinking. You do need to be here, so you can learn how to live out there."

She sighed, "Maybe I do need an inpatient facility, but this one isn't right for me. People stare at me here, and they judge me for being here when I'm pregnant. The other patients don't even talk to me. Group therapy is miserable…all these people are struggling to survive…there are women who started drinking as teens, and survivors of rape, and men who were beaten by alcoholic fathers and grew up to be the exact same type of abuser. They are the same people I am supposed to help…and I can't in here…"

"You are one of those people, Olivia," he said softly. "Help yourself this time. Please…it's not your job to save everyone here. You have to save yourself."

"Don't you get it? I don't know how," she cried. "I don't even know who I am anymore."

He stood up, walking over to the bed and sitting next to her, wrapping her in his arms while she cried. He didn't care about the rules anymore. All he cared about was her. "You are a good cop, a loving mother, a beautiful woman who deserves to have the life she's always wanted. And I promise you…you can do this." He rubbed her back while she leaned into his chest, her tears staining his uniform. "Promise me that you'll go to your sessions and listen to what they say. Please…just try it…"

She pulled away from his embrace, nodding slightly. "I'll try…but it isn't easy. You don't know what my life is like now. You've been gone…you walked away from me and never bothered to return a call or check to see if I was alive or dead. I've had some things happen that you don't even know about…and I thought I was dealing with it…I've been in therapy for a couple of years…but then I'd go home and the wine made me feel better…and I'm scared to find out who I am without it."

"I'm sorry I wasn't there…" he offered. "When I left…I really thought you'd be better off if I cut ties. I mean, I felt like I was keeping you from pursuing a life of your own, and Liv, I wanted you to be happy. To fall in love and have the kids you'd always wanted, and I knew you wouldn't do that with me there," he sighed. "I was wrong. And if me leaving you in any way led to this…I take full responsibility for that and I wish I could change it."

"This has nothing to do with you, El," she said honestly. "You have your own family to worry about. Your wife and your five kids. I'm over you leaving," she sighed.

"Then why'd you keep my shirt?" he asked, looking at how the Marine Corp t-shirt clung to her shape. "And why are you still wearing it?"

She looked down at the way the shirt pulled across her stomach, and shrugged, "I guess you left it at my place and I just came across it one day. It was comfy to sleep in…and now, most of my clothes don't fit so I just put it on. I can change. You can have it back if you want it."

"I don't want it back," he gave a weak smile. "I just don't want you to pretend like me leaving didn't hurt you. If that was part of what led to your drinking, it's okay for you to tell me…and I'm sorry. I want you to know, I missed you too. So much, Liv."

"I'll go to the session in the morning, and I'll do my part to get myself out of here…" she looked around the room, changing the subject. "I feel like I'm in prison…I'm sick of being told what to do…when to eat. I'm pregnant for crying out loud, and I'm hungry, but dinner is over by 6:30 and there's nothing to eat until morning. I feel like puking when I wake up because I'm starving. And they tell me when to sleep too…I'm awake in bed half the night, and tired all day…"

"Speaking of…" he stood up. "It's gonna be lights out. Are you okay if I go? I need to check the other halls."

"I'm okay," she nodded.

He glanced at the picture on her nightstand and smiled, "He's a beautiful little boy," he said gently. "Keep thinking about him…he wants you to come home."

"I know," she forced a sad smile. "God, I miss him. Fin brought him to see me, and I didn't want to let him go."

"You'll be back with him soon," he promised. "And here," he pulled something out of his shirt pocket and handed it to her, "For you and the baby…I don't need a late-night snack and maybe you won't feel so sick in the morning."

She reached out and took the Snickers bar, letting her hand rest on the swell of her stomach, "Thanks…"

"I'll bring you something healthier tomorrow," he promised. "Get some sleep. Goodnight," he whispered, heading toward the door.

"Night, El," she said, falling back on the bed and letting herself rest for the first time since she'd been there.

 **tbc**


	11. Chapter 11

**Here is the second part of what I was working on the other night. Also short since they didn't fit together so well, but again, it didn't really fit with the next part either so kind of has to be a stand-alone chapter.**

 **I really appreciate all the nice reviews. I am glad you all seem to like the story and where it is heading. I love reading your thoughts because it always inspires me to keep going. Thanks so much.**

 **Enjoy! Please leave your thoughts.**

He walked up the steps toward the office, feeling a little unsure about how to approach the subject. Seeing Olivia had brought back all of his feelings, his need to keep her safe, his love for her that he always kept pushed down as far as he could, but let reach the surface more times that he should have. She needed help, but he couldn't do anything until he knew the truth, and as much as he cared about her, he knew he couldn't trust her right now to be completely honest. He had to go out and find the answers.

The secretary told him to wait, but after a few minutes he was led into an office where the ADA stood to greet him. He was shorter that he expected, that's what Elliot noticed at first. The second thing that caught his eye was a play pen in the corner with a small boy sleeping, cuddled up under a blue blanket. He extended his hand, "Elliot…" he said, forcing a smile.

"Rafael Barba," was the response, followed by a motion to sit and so they both did. "So…Elliot…" he said, "How can I help you? You're here regarding a case? Which one? I'm afraid I haven't been working these cases very long so I'm not up to date on everything. I just transferred in from SVU a couple of weeks ago."

Elliot had lied to get in to see him, but now he was ready to come clean. "Actually…I work at Elkins Rehab Center," he said seriously. "I'm here about Olivia Benson."

"Oh," he sighed. "Why didn't you say that when you called to set up the appointment?" he asked. "Is she okay? She didn't sign herself out did she? I told her if she did I'd file a custody suit..."

"She's fine, still at the center," Elliot said quickly. "But…I guess I should be completely honest here…my name is Elliot Stabler…"

Barba's eyes widened, "Oh…" he sputtered. "So…you're not from the center?"

"I do work there," he explained. "And I saw Liv…God…I guess I just want to hear your side of things. I know she's an alcoholic…and it kills me because I know what she went through with her mom…I just…I don't know how this happened and she's not being completely honest with me."

"Let me guess…she told you I'm a jackass and I locked her up there," Barba shook his head. "She's been spewing that at anyone who will listen. Did she tell you that she drank half a bottle of wine while I was away from the table and then made herself throw it up? I have to protect my child…"

"She did tell me," Elliot admitted. "She knows she's sick. She's upset because she thinks you want to take the baby from her…and believe me…I get it…you want to take care of your kid."

"I don't want to take the baby from her," Barba said honestly. "I just don't know what other choice I have if she won't get help. The rehab center says she won't even participate in group. She's not cooperating."

"She is now," Elliot insisted. "I talked to her…and she promised she would try. She wants to get better for the baby and for her son," he glanced over at the play pen. "Is that him?"

Barba nodded, "I've been staying with him because I didn't know what else to do. The sitter canceled today, so I brought him with me. He misses Liv. Fin took him to see her yesterday and he cried all night. I don't know what I'm doing…I never wanted to be a father."

"I'm sure you're doing the best you can," Elliot said with sympathy. "And Liv will be back soon if she really commits to this."

"The thing is, I'm not sure she should be left alone with him," Barba admitted. "I'm not sure she can be trusted. I'm not sure I'll ever trust her again."

"How long have you two been together?" Elliot asked curiously. "You're not his father, right? She told me he does't have one."

"I'm not Noah's father. She adopted him...finalized last year. And Liv and I are not together," Barba answered. "We've worked together a few years…but nothing more…"

"She's carrying your baby," Elliot reminded him. "And you have her son while she's in treatment. That seems like more than colleagues."

"Liv and I are friends," he answered. "We got carried away after we'd both had too much to drink. That's all…but this whole mess is just getting more and more complicated. Did she tell you she didn't even tell me she was pregnant...for four months?"

"She told me she didn't know for four months," Elliot said truthfully. "And I believe her. She wasn't in a good place, and with the drinking, I could see her missing the signs."

"I don't know," Barba added. "I just don't know what to think anymore. I'm scared my daughter is going to be born with all sorts of problems. I suggested that maybe we shouldn't continue with the pregnancy, but Liv was adamant about having her…"

"You told her to have an abortion?" Elliot asked sadly. "Damn…"

"No…you don't get to judge," he argued. "That baby means the world to me, but I wasn't expecting to have that bombshell dropped on me and the fact that she could be seriously ill or disabled or intellectually delayed…I'm not ready for all that. And Liv's drinking problem…I just thought it might be better for all of us. I'm sorry I suggested it, but it felt right at the time. I love my daughter…"

"What about Olivia?" Elliot asked. "Do you love her?"

"I don't know," Barba admitted. "I thought…maybe…we could let this grow into something. But now, I just don't think that will ever happen. I don't know if I can forgive her."

"Fair enough," Elliot said softly. "You did the right thing…sending her to rehab," he sighed. "I just don't know how it got this bad. When did she start drinking like this? When did it get out of hand?"

Barba shrugged, "I don't know…after Lewis probably. She had a hard time…"

"Lewis?" Elliot asked.

"William Lewis," Barba replied, and then his eyes widened. "You don't know…"

"Know what?" Elliot asked.

"William Lewis was a sex offender who we couldn't convict due to a ridiculous error in the lab. He kidnapped Olivia and held her hostage for days…torturing her and shoving booze and pills down her throat," his voice quivered. "After his conviction…he escaped and made her hold a gun to her own head…she almost died…and then she almost lost her badge…"

Elliot gasped, unable to speak at first and then his voice was weak, "When?" he asked.

"A couple of years ago," Barba answered. "You didn't see it on the news?"

Elliot shook his head, "I…might have been overseas…" he admitted. "My wife and I…we took our daughter to a treatment facility in Europe…she was off her meds and drinking and doing drugs. We spent every last dime we had trying to get her help, and then as soon as we were home she just fell off the wagon and ended up in Elkins. They helped her more than anyplace we'd tried."

"I'm sorry about your daughter," he said seriously.

"She's doing great now," Elliot said. "She got married last week," he sighed, "How could I not know about Olivia? She needed me…"

"She got help," Barba insisted. "She has a good therapist. We all thought she was making good progress...she wasn't having flashbacks and she was able to adopt Noah. I guess the drinking just got worse over time and it took a while before anyone noticed. I feel like I played a part in it too. I used to drink with her sometimes, after a rough case. I never thought she had a problem. I'm not sure any of us would have known now if it wasn't for the baby. She was the one who said she had a problem and wanted to stop drinking for the baby." His eyes closed, "She just couldn't do it."

"She needed help and no one saw it," Elliot ran his hand along the back of his neck.

Noah's soft cry filled the room as he opened his eyes and stood up, staring at both of them. Rafael walked over to the play pen, "Hey little man, did you have a good nap?"

"Mama…" Noah cried. "Want Mama…"

"Why don't you bring him to see her tonight," Elliot suggested. "It might ease the tension between the two of you."

Barba shook his head, "I don't want to see her," he admitted. "And I don't want to deal with Noah crying all night after he sees her."

"She needs to know you aren't giving up on her," Elliot argued. "That you care about her enough to want her to get better…not that you are punishing her."

"I don't know," Barba sputtered.

"I know you care about her," Elliot insisted. "If you didn't…you wouldn't be keeping Noah when you know he'd end up in foster care otherwise. You wouldn't have found the best rehab center for her to go to when you could have just thrown her anywhere to keep her from drinking until the baby was born. She's sick…but she's owning up to it. She's the mother of your child. Take the time to show her you believe she can get past this…that you both can…even if you don't fully believe it right now. She needs that…if you ever want her to get better." Then he stood up and walked out the door.

 **tbc**


	12. Chapter 12

**I've been so overwhelmed by the amazing reviews that have been left on this story. It makes me feel good to write something that so many people enjoy. I know there are still a few who don't like where the story is heading, but I also know I can't please everyone. I appreciate everyone who has taken time to share their thoughts. They mean a lot to me. I feel like this story is an important one to me, and it's great to know others are reading it too.**

 **Here is a bit more, since I had a little time to write today. I hope you like it. I'd love to read your thoughts if you want to leave them. Thanks :)**

"You have visitors," the nurse peeked into Olivia's room. She was lying in bed, reading a book and looked up with surprise.

"Really?" she asked with an exhuasted yawn. "Who is it?" She looked down at the sweats she was wearing and she didn't feel like she was in any way presentable for visitors, but she didn't have the energy to change.

"Come see," the nurse smiled. "There's an absolutely adorable little boy out there asking for his mommy."

"Noah's here?" Olivia stood up quickly. Fin had told her he wouldn't be able to bring Noah back for a while, so she hadn't been expecting to see him anytime soon. She smiled for what felt like the first time in ages, and rushed off toward the visiting area without taking time to change or get cleaned up.

She stood still, taking a deep breath the moment she saw Rafael was the one who had brought Noah to see her. She didn't want to see him, and she was worried he was there with more threats or bad news. She moved slowly toward the table where Rafael sat with Noah in his lap and she slid into the chair next to him. "Hi, baby…" she smiled at her son and he reached for her. She took him quickly and sat him in her own lap, kissing him and holding him tight. "I've missed you so much. Are you being a good boy?"

"Mama…come home…" Noah pleaded and she wanted to cry.

"I'll be home as soon as I can," she tried to hold in her tears. "I promise…I miss you so much sweetheart."

"Play…" Noah pointed to some toys in the corner and Olivia reluctantly let him down so he could go to them. He picked up a truck, "Play Mama…" he asked and she couldn't help but smile.

She got up and walked over to him, slowly lowering herself to the floor so she could play with him. He rolled the truck to her and she rolled it back and they were content to play for as long as possible.

"Liv…" she looked up to see Rafael looking down at her, "Are you even going to acknowledge my presence?"

"You've said enough to me," she sputtered, turning her attention back to her son, but Rafael sat down on the floor and put Noah in his lap so she had no choice but to look at him. "I'm grateful you brought Noah to see me," she admitted. "But you and I…we don't have to talk…"

"Yeah, we do," he argued. "Elliot came to see me."

"He what?" her voice trembled. "He had no right…"

"He's worried about you," he said seriously. "And so am I. I'm sorry for the way this all happened, Liv…I really am…but I want the best for you and the baby…I want you to get better…"

"You want my daughter," she said sadly.

"She's my daughter too," he reminded her. "And I thought we were in this together…but you weren't being honest with me about how bad things were for you…and you let the drinking control you without ever coming to me and asking for help…"

"You couldn't help me," she said softly.

"But I wanted to…" he admitted. "I still do. That's why I made you come here. I know how much you miss Noah…miss work…I know you want to come home…damn, I want you to come home...I miss you," he sighed. "But I have to know that you're in the right mindset to be home…to do what's best for Noah and Serena…"

"Don't you mean Catalina?" she asked. "Your mom was pretty adamant…"

"My mom doesn't get a say in this," he said, giving her slight smile. "You want to call her Serena…then that's her name. You lost your mom, and if you want to honor her with the baby's name, I'm okay with that."

Olivia watched as Noah wandered off to play with some blocks and then she looked seriously at Rafael, "I hated my mom…and I loved her. It's really hard to have both of those feelings at once…to admit that I never felt connected to her the way I should have. But I feel connected to her now…I understand her better…I used to think she didn't love me, because my father raped her…but I know now, that she did, she just didn't know how to heal her own heart from all the hurt…and the drinking probably helped her for a while, until it turned her into someone she didn't even recognize anymore…" She couldn't hold in her tears anymore and before long she was sobbing. Noah noticed, running over and wrapping his arms around her neck.

Mama…" he kissed her on the cheek. "Don't cry…"

"Mommy's okay," she wiped her tears and tried to stop crying for her son's sake. "It's okay, baby…go play with the toys."

"Liv, you are not your mother," Rafael insisted. "You recognized the signs…you knew you had a problem…"

"I drank," she cried. "I drank even though I'm carrying this innocent little girl. I don't blame you for not forgiving me."

"You don't need my forgiveness. You have to forgive yourself," he said honestly. "And then commit to rehab and get better…because the kids need you," he reached out and brushed the tears from her cheeks. "I need you…I don't know how to be a dad…and you're gonna have to teach me how to change diapers, and burp the baby, and how to dress her without hurting her or something."

Olivia laughed a little, "Dressing a baby is no easy feat…"

"Elliot said you promised to try…to go to the groups and listen to the counselors," he said. "You can do this, Liv. You are the strongest woman I know. You've overcome so much. You're not gonna let this beat you."

She nodded, "I want to come home…so I'm going to commit to doing what I need to do."

"I believe you," he said gently, standing to his feet. "I'm gonna have to get going. Noah needs dinner and a bath." He grabbed the little boy's hand and watched as Olivia struggled to stand up, the pregnancy making her movements awkward and labored. "Here…" he extended his hand and pulled her up, then let it rest softly on her stomach. "Maybe there should be no more play-time on the floor for you…" he laughed.

"Yeah," she sighed, and the baby chose that exact moment to kick with all her might. Olivia's eyes widened, "Did you feel that?" she asked, and the look on Rafael's face let her know he did.

"Whoa…" he sputtered. "Has she done that before? I couldn't feel her last week…"

Olivia shook her head, "No…that was the first time," the baby kicked again and they both laughed, "I guess she's glad her daddy came to visit."

"I'm glad too," he nodded, lifting Noah up to give her a good-bye kiss. "I'll try to bring him back soon…work is crazy right now, but it won't be long…"

"Rafael…" she said with a quiver. "Thank you…for taking care of him. I don't really have anyone else…and you didn't have to do it…"

"Of course I had to," he said seriously. "He's Baby Serena's big brother…" he sighed. "So, he's practically my son…and I love him…"

"Thanks…" she whispered, as she watched them walk out the door. Then she went to her room and cried mixed up, emotional tears.

A few hours later the knock at her door woke her from a deep sleep and she sat up, in time to motion Elliot into her room. "Hey…" he said, sitting a Tupperware container on her desk. "Did I wake you up? I'm sorry…"

"It's okay," she rubbed the sleep from her eyes. "I guess it just felt like a really long day…therapy and everything. It all wore me out."

"The nurse told me you went today. I'm proud of you…you're going to get better and be home before you know it." He assured her, noticing her eyes were red and swollen. "Were you crying?" he asked, with worry. "Are you okay?"

She nodded, "Rafael came to see me. He said you went to visit him today."

"Oh," Elliot ran his hand across the back of his neck nervously. "Liv…I just wanted to help…if he upset you…"

"No," she shook her head. "He brought Noah and we had a good talk. I'm glad he came…but El, you can't go behind my back and talk to him…this is my life, and my problem…"

"And I'm your partner," he reminded her. "I have to protect you. I don't want you hurt."

"You haven't been my partner for a long time, El," she said sadly. "You know that."

"In my heart…I'll always be," he said honestly. "Don't ever forget that."

She nodded, looking at the Tupperware and giving a mischievous grin, "What'd you bring me?" she asked. "Serena is starving…"

"Serena?" he asked. "So the little princess has a name?"

She nodded, "Yeah…we decided tonight. I want to name her after my mom."

"It's a beautiful choice," he agreed, handing her the food container and she opened it with gusto.

"Lasagna…it looks delicious. Thanks," she smiled, grabbing the fork he'd included and taking a big bite.

"Don't you want to heat that up?" he asked. "I told them at the nurse's station that I was bringing you food and they said you can use their microwave."

"No," she shook her head, taking another bite. "Serena likes it cold."

"Of course she does," he stood up, leaning forward and kissing her gently on the forehead. "You finish eating and then get some rest. I have to go make rounds…I'll come by later for the dishes."

Olivia nodded, "Okay…thanks…" and as he walked away she realized in her heart, he was still her partner too.

 **tbc**


	13. Chapter 13

**Thanks again for the amazing reviews! They make my day. I love getting those email notifications on my phone. Makes me feel important :)**

 **Sorry my updating has become so sporadic. I will try to do better. I've had a lot going on lately.**

 **Anyway, let me know what you think. Some different things are going on in this chapter. I hope I can keep you entertained. Enjoy!**

"I think they're going to let me go home," Olivia looked across the table at Rafael and smiled the first genuinely happy smile she'd had in a long time. She'd been at the rehab center for almost two months, and she really did feel like she was doing much better. She wanted to come home and prepare for the baby, have some time with Noah before his little sister arrived, and she was eager to move on with her life. "My rehab counselor says I can continue therapy as an out-patient. As soon as the doctor signs off, I can leave…probably tomorrow."

"That's great," he looked at her and gave a reassuring smile. "I guess I'll pack my stuff up tonight and take it back to my place tomorrow…" he sighed. "Unless…do you think you'll need help? I could stay a few days if you want. Help you get settled back into a routine."

Olivia shook her head, "I'm seven months pregnant," she reminded him. "I'm not an invalid and we've still got plenty of time before the baby comes. Noah and I will be fine and you need to get back to your life. Elliot said he'd check in on us too. I'd like Noah to get to know him better. Besides, he's the best at tracking down my cravings and getting them to me…last night he brought me salad with sardines and Thousand Island dressing…I'd been craving it for days," she laughed.

He looked at the way her face had filled out in the past few weeks. She'd started to put on quite a bit of pregnancy weight, so much so that she'd asked him to bring her the maternity clothes she'd had packed away in her closet, since nothing she had with her fit anymore. It had been awkward going through her things, but he'd done it, and he couldn't help but notice she wasn't wearing them now. Instead she was wearing an old Marine Corp T-shirt that stretched so tightly across her stomach that he could see her belly-button poking through and yoga pants. He knew the shirt had belonged to Elliot, because he'd asked her about it once years ago when he'd shown up at her apartment on a rare night off and she'd been dressed in it. He remembered teasing her and asking if she was giving up the NYPD for the Marines, and she'd turned red when she admitted it was her old partner's shirt. "Liv…why aren't you wearing your maternity clothes?" he asked.

Her eyes widened at the question, "I don't know," she said. "I was tired and I took a nap earlier. I changed into this…it's comfortable to sleep in."

"Is something going on with you and Elliot?" he asked, matter-of-factly. "I mean…he brings you food and you're wearing his clothes…"

"What?" she asked. "This is my shirt. He gave it to me…a long time ago. I've been wearing it for years. And the food is only because the meal times here are limited. I'm pregnant…I have to eat…the doctor cleared it…"

"You could've asked me," he said seriously. "I would have brought you whatever you were craving. I told you that early on…and you said you didn't want me to. This is my baby…not Elliot's…"

"Rafael…don't," she rubbed her temples and exhaled sharply. "Don't do this to me. I know this is your baby…and nothing is going on with Elliot…but he's my friend…you can't come see me everyday so it doesn't make sense for me to ask you to bring me food…I see El every night…"

"Your friend?" he asked. "I know you were more than friends before he left. I've heard the rumors, Olivia."

"They are nothing more than rumors," she sputtered. "He's married…has been for over thirty years…"

"That doesn't mean anything," he reminded her. "You haven't always had the best judgement when it comes to men."

"You think I'd sleep with a married man?" she asked. "That's how low your opinion of me is?" She stood up, wincing a little as the baby shifted with her movement. "Just go…" she put her hand to the side of her stomach and grimaced.

"Liv?" he looked at the way she was pushing on her belly, a pained expression on her face. "Hey…what's wrong?"

"Nothing…" she insisted. "She just moved and it hurt a little." She wasn't sure she was telling the truth, because it felt like something more, but all she wanted right now was to go back to her room and lay down. "Just go home. I'll be home tomorrow…and we can talk more then. Okay? I'm tired…I can't fight with you right now." She flinched again at the pain in her stomach and bit her lip as she tried to breathe.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he asked nervously. "You don't look okay."

"I'm fine…" she let out her breath slowly, giving a tired sigh. "I think I need to lay down…that's all. I've been on my feet a lot today. It was my turn for kitchen duty so I had to serve and clean up. Plus I had therapy in the courtyard today…lots of walking. The baby and I are just tired…" she let her hand rest on her stomach. "I'm fine…really."

He nodded, "I'm sorry if I upset you…I just don't want you lying to me about Elliot."

"There is nothing between me and Elliot," she said sadly. "And there is nothing between me and you either…remember that. You don't want to get married. You never wanted to be a father…" she sighed. "You said that yourself. And I know you love Serena…but you don't have a say in how I live my life or about the relationships I have. We share a child…not a life…" She walked toward her room and he watched her go.

Later that night Elliot knocked on her door and she didn't even sit up to motion him in, instead she just yelled "come in." He walked in and she was lying on her side, rubbing her stomach and breathing slowly and deeply.

"Hey, you okay?" he asked, sitting next to her on the bed and putting his hand on top of hers. "Is the baby doing okay?"

"I just don't feel so great," she sighed. "I've had a few twinges of pain…not bad…but just not right. The nurse told me to lay on my left side and breathe…it's helping…" she bit her lip nervously. "She's calling for the doctor on duty."

"It's gonna be all right," he forced a smile, even though he was worried. She was older, and the drinking during pregnancy could have caused complications too. "Do you want me to call Rafael?"

"No," she shook her head. "He was here earlier…we had an argument…I don't want to see him."

"Why were you arguing?" he asked.

"I told him I was coming home tomorrow," she said softly. "And he wanted to stay at my apartment and help, but I told him no…"

"Why? You could use his help," Elliot reminded her. "And he's been there all this time, taking care of Noah…maybe he just wants the chance to take care of you and Serena for a while too. He's her dad."

"I know," she felt the tears sliding down her cheeks. "But I can't depend on him forever. He has his own life. I'm the one who screwed up, but I'm going to fix things now. I can do this on my own…"

"Liv…he cares about you," Elliot insisted. "He told me that. And he loves this baby…and Noah…" he saw the pained expression on her face as her body tensed up, and he rubbed his hand carefully over the swell of her stomach, "Just breathe…that's it…nice and slow…" he waited for her body to relax. "These are contractions," he said seriously. "The doctor's taking too long. We need to get you to a real hospital."

"I don't want to move," she gasped. "I don't feel good. I think I'm going to be sick…"

He grabbed the trash can just in time for her to lean over and vomit into it. "I'm gonna go get the nurse," he said gently, as she clutched the trash can and continued to heave, but before he could leave the door opened and the nurse walked in followed by the doctor. "I'll wait outside," Elliot said, reluctant to leave her, but knowing he had no right to be there for such an intimate examination.

He stood outside the door for what felt like hours, but was less than ten minutes. The door opened and the nurse came out, "How is she?" he asked anxiously.

"Elliot…why are you so interested in this one patient?" she asked. "I've seen you get involved with recovery before, but not like this…"

"She's my partner…" he admitted. "My old partner…from when I was a cop."

"You should've told us that before," she said seriously. "I don't think the counselors would've liked all the time you've spent with her. You could get in trouble…having a personal relationship with a patient…"

"I just want to know if she's okay," he said again. "She can't have that baby yet. It's too early."

"We're taking her by ambulance to the hospital," she told him. "She's in premature labor. There's nothing we can do here to stop it."

"I'm going with her," he insisted.

"You have other patients to watch," she reminded him. "She's not your concern."

"She is my concern," he argued. "I won't let her lose that baby all alone…I won't. I let her down before…I caused her to spiral into despair…and the drinking…it was my fault…" His voice cracked and he fought to hold back his tears.

"We're calling the baby's father," the nurse told him. "He'll meet her there…"

"Then he'll meet both us there," Elliot insisted. "Because she's not going alone," he walked back into Olivia's room and didn't wait for a response.

 **Sorry for the cliffhanger, but I am working on the next chapter.**

 **tbc...**


	14. Chapter 14

**So, here I am again with a late update. Sorry about that. I wish I could get this thing updated more often, I am just ridiculously busy.**

 **Thank you for all the awesome reviews. Please leave more and let me know what you think of this chapter as well. I love hearing from you all.**

 **Enjoy!**

"Where is she?" Rafael Barba rushed through the doors of the emergency room and stopped in front of Elliot who was leaning against a wall, waiting for news. "Where's Liv?" he asked again. "I need to see her."

"The doctor is in with her," Elliot explained. "She asked me to wait out here during the exam…so…"

"So what? I'm not waiting," he moved toward the door, but a security guard stopped him. "I need to get in there..." he said.

"Hey, man…calm down," Elliot wedged his way between Barba and the guard. "They'll come out and update us in a little while. Then you can go back."

"I want to know what's going on with my daughter," Barba said seriously.

"I know you do," Elliot sighed. "I wanted to stay with Liv too…but she kicked me out. She's stubborn and she asked me to wait out here for you. She's gonna be okay."

"What the hell happened?" Barba asked, wringing his hands nervously. "I knew she wasn't feeling well when I left…I should have stayed longer."

"She told me you two had a fight," Elliot added.

"Is that what caused this?" he shook his head. "Damn…I didn't mean for this to happen…" his eyes clouded with tears.

"No…listen…you didn't cause this," Elliot felt awkward trying to comfort him. "There are a lot of factors that can lead to premature labor, and Liv has a lot of them. She's older, the drinking, the stress of rehab…" he sighed. "She said you asked to stay with her and help out and she told you no. That you were fighting about it. You have to know, she's always had a hard time accepting help. It's nothing personal."

"She told you that?" Barba snickered. "God, you're lecturing me about her, like you know her so much better than I do…and you didn't even realize she was lying right to your face."

Elliot was taken back by the comment, "She lied about what?"

"We weren't fighting about me wanting to help out," Barba sighed. "We were fighting about you. I told her I'm the baby's father…not you…and that I know something is going on between the two of you."

"What?" Elliot asked with confusion. "I don't know what you think is going on…but…"

"But what?" Barba asked defensively. "Don't pretend like you aren't trying to steal my family away from me. I've been killing myself, trying to take care of Noah and preparing for Serena…but you get to talk to Liv about how she's feeling, bring her food she's craving…you get to be the good guy who's there for her whenever she needs someone and I'm just the asshole who locked her up in rehab."

"She doesn't think that," Elliot argued. "Not anymore. She's getting better…she knows you did the right thing."

"But she _loves_ you," Barba added. "She always has and there is nothing that will ever change that. So where does that leave me in all this?"

Elliot didn't know how to respond to that, but he didn't have to because at that moment the doctor walked out to talk to them. "Who is here for Olivia Benson?" he asked, and both men turned to him quickly. The doctor looked concerned, "Which one of you is the father?" he asked.

"I am," Barba answered quickly. "How is my daughter?"

"We've got the contractions under control," the doctor assured him. "The baby looks good right now. It's going to be a rough couple of months though…trying to get to term. Ms. Benson's body just isn't cooperating. I'm concerned about her high blood pressure and the position of the placenta isn't good. It could move, but right now it is low and blocking the opening of the cervix. There could be bleeding and possibly the need for a c-section."

"How's Olivia?" Elliot asked eagerly. "Is she okay?"

The doctor looked at Barba and then back at Elliot. "She's doing well, considering. We're going to keep her tonight, just to make sure the contractions don't return…but when we send her home she's going to be on bedrest."

"How long?" Barba asked.

"Indefinitely," the doctor added. He motioned toward the door, "You can see her now."

Both men walked toward the door, but Elliot stopped short of opening it. "I'll wait here…" he offered. "So the two of you can have some time alone," he offered.

"Thanks," Barba mumbled as he walked through the door. He walked down the long white corridor and stopped at the room number the doctor had given him. He looked in, and there was Olivia, laying still in bed with her eyes closed, but he could tell she wasn't asleep. There were monitors attached to her, some reading the baby's heartbeat, others monitoring the contractions, and suddenly everything seemed so much worse than he'd imagined. He walked in slowly and quietly, not wanting to disturb her, but she opened her eyes and looked at him and he forced a sad smile, "Liv…" he whispered. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine…" she answered. "The doctor's worried about Serena. I'm so sorry…" she let herself cry and he sat next to her, grabbing her hand and holding it tight.

"You don't have to be sorry," he said gently. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"She's in distress," Olivia sniffled. "Because of me…because my body can't maintain the pregnancy. If I'd been more careful…if I hadn't been drinking early on…"

"Liv, you can't dwell on the past," he insisted. "She's going to be okay. The doctor said you just have to rest and things will be fine," he brushed the tears away from her cheeks, and then let his hand rest on the swell of her stomach. "She's a fighter…like her Mama…I know she's going to be fine."

"I'm sorry about earlier," her voice quivered. "I don't want us to fight. I know this is going to be hard…the two of us raising this baby as friends…but Rafael…I need you to know that I never wanted to hurt you in all this. I care about you…and if I had known how important it was to you that I call you up and ask you to run out and get me Fritos and Strawberry Yogurt…then I would have. I thought I was doing you a favor…"

"Fritos and Yogurt?" he asked with disgust. Then he laughed, "Is that your way of telling me you're hungry?"

She laughed, "Not me…Serena…" she put her hand on top of his. "I really am sorry. I appreciate all you've done…taking care of Noah and everything…and if you want to stay at the apartment and help, you can."

"What about Elliot?" he asked seriously. "Liv, I know you're friends with the guy…and he seems nice enough…I just, I need Serena to know I'm her Papi. I love her…and I don't want to share her with some other guy. I just don't."

Olivia nodded, "Elliot knows he's not her father, Rafael. Maybe I've been too dependent on him lately, but I've missed him so much. He was all I had for a long time…too long. I don't want to push him out of my life now. I need you to understand that. He would never come between you and your daughter…"

"But he will come between you and me," Rafael added.

"No he won't," she insisted. "Because he's my friend…and you're my friend…I can have more than one friend you know."

"Yeah," he nodded. "I know." He leaned forward, kissing her gently on the head. "Should I go get yogurt and Fritos? I don't want Serena going hungry."

Olivia smiled, "Yeah…please…" he nodded and walked toward the door. "Oh Rafael…" she called and he turned back to look at her. "Strawberry yogurt…"

"You got it," he smiled, opening the door. "You want me to send Elliot in? He's been waiting. He's worried about you."

She nodded, "Thanks," she whispered.

Elliot walked into the room and she was sitting in bed, flipping through the channels on the TV. He walked over to the chair and sat next to her, "You're supposed to be resting," he reminded her. "Not sitting up."

She looked at him and sighed, "My back hurts when I lay back. The doctor said I could sit up." She ran her hand over her stomach, "Thanks for coming with me. I was scared…"

"I know…but she's okay now," he reminded her. "Do you want me to rub your back...ease some of the pain?"

"No, it's not so bad now," she shook her head, thinking about Rafael and how he was worried about Elliot taking over his role of father. "I have to stay in bed," she added. "I was looking forward to being home…maybe going back to work…" she sighed, "Now I don't know what I'm going to do all day."

"You're going to rest," he smiled. "Grow a big, healthy baby."

She shook her head, "I'm afraid if I don't stay busy…I'm gonna want to drink. El…" she let her tears fall. "This is so hard. I'm not used to failing at things, but I think I might fail at this…"

"Liv…no…" his voice was stern. "Don't go to that place. You can do this. You don't have to drink. You can make the choice to do what's better for you and the baby…for your family." He sighed, "I'm sorry I left you…and that you didn't have anyone to turn to…that you turned to alcohol because I abandoned you."

"El…" she sniffled. "That's not what happened. You know that right? You mean the world to me, but I didn't start drinking because of you."

"I know you say that," he offered. "But I know you. You needed me and I wasn't there…so you had no choice…"

"I always had a choice," she said truthfully. "I made the wrong one…and that has nothing to do with you."

"If I had known about Lewis…" he started. "I would've been there."

"Lewis?" she asked in shock. "Who the hell told you about him?"

"Barba," he answered. "He said that's when you started drinking. And I know if I had been there…"

"No," she stopped him. "You don't get to make this about you Elliot. It has nothing to do with you. You wanna know why I started drinking all the time? Because I can't cut it…I can't run SVU and deal with the stress of my squad, the cases, my personal life. Drinking used to take the edge off…then it took more and more to get that same feeling, until it felt like I could drink a whole bottle and not ease the stress. And before I knew it, I was dependent on it. I couldn't stop…and my evening glass of wine turned into two bottles…and never once when I was drinking was I thinking "Gee, I really wish El was here so I wouldn't have to open that second bottle." I wanted to open it. I wanted to feel better." She let her sobs come out and he stared at her, not sure what to say. "I tried to quit, when I adopted Noah. I was doing better…but then I just wasn't anymore…and I'm not sure I'll ever be okay again."

"You will…" he said seriously. "Because you have two children to get better for."

"My mom never got better for me," she reminded him.

"You are not your mom, Liv," he insisted. "You're getting the help she never got."

She shrugged, "Rafael is jealous of you," she said, changing the subject. "He wants to make sure you aren't trying to take over his role in my life."

"I'm not," he said gently. "He's your friend and the father of your child, but I care about you…I love you…"

She exhaled sharply, "Don't say that to me, El…"

"It's true," he whispered. "I've always loved you. You know that…and I know you loved me…maybe you don't anymore, but you did."

"I still do," she cried. "But you have a wife, a family…and I have a family now too…"

"Kathy and I aren't married anymore," he told her.

"What?" she asked. "Why?"

He shook his head, "Because we don't love each other…and she found someone else. I didn't tell you because I didn't think you needed the added pressure right now."

"I still don't," she sniffled. "I'm dealing with a lot, El. I'm in the hospital trying to save the life of my unborn child. I don't need this on my plate right now."

"I know that," he brushed the hair away from her face. "But I don't want you pushing away my friendship because your Baby-Daddy is jealous. He will get over it."

"That's not fair," she argued. "He's more than that…and you know it. He's my friend…the best friend I've had in a long time…and he loves Serena and Noah…" she sighed, "and me."

"Do you love him too?" Elliot asked seriously. "Do you love him more than me? Because if you do, I can accept it. I'm your best friend and I always will be."

She exhaled slowly, " I don't know anymore," she admitted. "I really don't know."

 **tbc**


	15. Chapter 15

**Here is some more. Thanks again for all the kind reviews. I am glad people are still reading and liking the story.**

 **My original plan was to finish this before the SVU hiatus was up, but since that will be Wednesday I doubt it will happen. I hope they don't do anything to ruin my storyline. LOL**

 **Please leave your thoughts. I love to hear them.**

"Rafael…I can walk by myself," Olivia insisted as she pushed her way into the apartment. He held her arm, not willing to let go, and led her to the sofa, helping her lower herself down. She looked around the room, realizing it had been two months since she'd seen her own apartment. Everything was neat and clean, and she smiled a little thinking that Rafael Barba was likely a better housekeeper than she was. Even Noah's toys were put away in labeled bins, something she never bothered with unless she had to.

"Let's put your feet up," he suggested, lifting her legs and resting them on the sofa, grabbing a blanket from the back of the couch and draping it over her. "Are you comfortable?"

"I'm seven months pregnant. Comfortable is no longer in my vocabulary. But I'm fine," she insisted, shifting a little while he put a pillow behind her back. "Would you stop…I don't need someone fussing over me. The doctor said I'm okay to be home."

"He said you are on modified bed rest from now until delivery," he reminded her. "You have to relax."

"I'm relaxed," she argued. "He said I could get up and use the bathroom, get food, move from the sofa to the bed…I don't think I need someone hovering over me. I'm fine." She looked around the room, "Where's Noah?"

"At daycare," he answered, sitting next to her. "Lucy will pick him up and bring him home if I don't get off work in time. I wanted her to stay with you during the day, but she said she works for another family."

"Rafael…that's ridiculous," she sighed. "I don't need a babysitter. I can't believe you even asked her…"

"Well, I have to work during the day," he added. "I don't want you here alone. What if you need something?"

"Then I'll take care of it," she insisted.

"What if you go into labor?" he asked.

"I'll call you," she promised.

"What if I'm in court, and I don't get the message right away," he asked nervously.

"Rafael…babies take a long time," she ran her hand over her stomach. "But if it seems like an emergency, I can always call 911…honestly…I'll be fine during the day. I don't need someone to take care of me."

He looked at his watch and groaned, "I have to get back to work…"

"What?" she asked. "Now? I thought you were staying home today?"

He shook his head, "I can't…a court date was moved up and I have to be before the judge in a couple of hours. I was hoping I could get someone to come over and stay with you, at least for today. That's why I asked Lucy. You shouldn't be alone your first day home. Will you be okay?"

She smiled and nodded, "I'll be fine…I promise."

"Do you want to stay here or should I help you into the bedroom?" he asked nervously. "You should get some sleep."

"I'll stay here," she offered. "I feel like watching TV and taking a nap. Maybe I'll order Chinese." She noticed the concerned look on his face, "Low sodium...I know the rules for my blood pressure, and I promise…I'll only get up to answer the door."

He put his hand on the swell of her stomach and smiled when he felt the baby move beneath his hand, "You call me…if you need anything," he sighed. "I wish I could stay…"

"Well, you can't," she said bluntly. "And Serena and I will be here waiting when you get home." She motioned toward the kitchen, "There isn't any…" she bit her lip nervously. "Any alcohol here…is there?"

"No," he said sadly. "I made sure…" he looked at her seriously. "I trust you," he said honestly. "You know that, right? I know you're committed to recovery now…that you'll make the right choices. I trust you."

"Thanks," her eyes filled with tears that she quickly wiped away. She wanted to say she was sorry for all she'd put them through, but decided against it. She'd apologized more times than she could count, and maybe it was time to just move on.

He leaned forward and kissed her softly on the cheek, "Get some rest, eat your Chinese food, and Noah and I will be home before you know it." She nodded and he walked slowly to the door.

The knock at the door a couple of hours later woke her from a deep sleep. She sat up, barely remembering she was in her own apartment again. Then she remembered she'd ordered Chinese food. She must have fallen asleep waiting for it. Pregnancy exhaustion was brutal. The knocks grew louder, "I'm coming…" she yelled, carefully pulling herself up from the sofa and walking to the door. She looked through the peep hole and sighed, pulling it open, "What are you doing here?" she asked, standing face to face with Elliot.

"Nice to see you too, Liv," he teased, pushing his way into the apartment without waiting for an invitation. "This is a great place," he added, sitting in a chair while she lowered herself back onto the sofa. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed?" he asked.

She shook her head, "I'm resting out here…waiting on my lunch to be delivered." She looked at the clock and wondered if they had already arrived and she'd slept through the knocking. She was starving, so she really hoped she hadn't missed the food.

"What did you order?" he asked.

"Chinese…sweet and sour pork and egg rolls," she licked her lips in anticipation and he laughed. "I'm hungry…"

"I know," he smiled. "That baby girl is used to eating well. She's gonna miss my late-night snacks," He winked, then they both turned toward the door when the knocking interrupted them. Olivia started to get up, but he beat her to it and opened the door, paying for her food and bringing it into the living room.

"Hand me my purse and I'll pay you," she offered, already opening the container and taking fast bites.

"My treat," he offered. "I want to keep you and this baby happy."

She sat her food down and looked at him, "Why are you here, El?" she asked. "Shouldn't you be home sleeping before your shift?"

"I knew you were here alone…and I just wanted to check on you," he admitted.

"How did you know I was alone?" she asked. "Rafael was supposed to be here." He shrugged and avoided looking in her eyes. "Oh my God…" she exclaimed. "Did he _call_ you? Did he ask you to come here and stay with me?"

"He's just worried," Elliot told her. "He doesn't want you to over-do things."

"Why the hell would he call you?" she asked. "He doesn't even like you."

"Gee, thanks," he laughed. "I'm pretty sure I was his last choice. He said it was down to me or his mother, and if he sent his mother over here you'd probably never speak to him again."

"Well, he's right about that," she sputtered, grabbing her food and taking angry bites. "Why the hell can't he trust me?"

"Hey…he does trust you," he promised. "He's worried about you…about your health and the baby…"

"I don't like being fussed over," she argued.

"I know that," he admitted. "Hell, Baby-Daddy knows that too…doesn't mean he agrees…he thinks you _need_ to be fussed over."

"I hate when you call him that," Olivia said with a grimace.

"I know," he grinned, playfully.

Olivia rolled her eyes, "So…how long are you here for? Is this an all-day babysitting gig or are you just checking in to make sure I eat and then heading home?"

"Let's play it by ear," he suggested. "Is there anything you want to do? We can watch a movie or something."

"Sure," she sighed, leaning back and finishing her food while he flipped through the channels on the TV.

A few hours later, the door opened and Noah rushed to the sofa, "Mama…" he squealed and she reached to pick him up, but Rafael swooped him up instead, sitting him beside her.

"You're not supposed to be lifting him," he reminded her.

"I thought Lucy was bringing him home?" she questioned.

"Well, I called and told her I'd get him," he sat down beside her. "I got finished at work early," he let his hand rest on her stomach. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine," she insisted. "But you already knew that, right? I assume Elliot called you and filled you in when he left a while ago for work?"

"Liv, I knew you'd be mad," he shook his head, "But I had to make sure you were okay."

"You asked _Elliot_ ," she groaned. "Do you know how awkward that is? A couple of days ago you hated him…you accused me of sleeping with him…then you call him up and ask him to take care of me? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"You said you weren't sleeping with him," he answered. "And I believe you. And I needed someone you wouldn't kick out of here in ten minutes…"

"Mama…let's play," Noah climbed down and grabbed a toy truck, running it back and forth across the coffee table.

"Mommy has to stay on the couch buddy, but I'll play with you," Rafael got down on the floor and played with Noah instead, while Olivia watched the two of them. Noah was so happy, happier than she'd seen him in a long time. The little boy made car noises as he pushed his toy to Rafael and then Rafael did the same thing when he pushed it back. Noah giggled, wrapping his arm around Rafael's neck and hugging him tight. They looked like father and son, and Olivia realized just how close they'd become in the two months she'd been gone. She used to be her son's whole world, and now he had someone else to love. Rafael picked up the little boy, tickling him while he squealed and then sitting him in his lap so they could play with the toy car together. He looked up at her, "What did you and Elliot do today, anyway?" he asked.

"We ate Chinese and watched movies," she answered. "But I don't want him to come tomorrow. Please…I don't want him here." Her eyes filled with tears.

Rafael stood up, "Noah…why don't you go play with your blocks," he suggested and the little boy toddled off. He sat next to Olivia and looked seriously at her. "Liv, what's wrong? Did something happen?"

She shook her head, "No…I just…" she couldn't hold in her tears. "You love Noah…he thinks you're his dad, doesn't he? I mean, he acts like it…"

"We've spent a lot of time together the past couple of months," he explained. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean for…"

"No…" she cried. "You love him…and Serena…and me…" she sobbed.

"I do," he agreed. "It's okay…if you don't want me to be so close with Noah...I can back off some..."

"Elliot said he's in love with me," she told him. "At the hospital…he told me that. And I told him I love him too."

"Oh…" Rafael's face dropped and it broke her heart. "I didn't know…you said there was nothing between you…"

"There isn't," she promised.

He looked questioningly at her, "There isn't? You love him, but there isn't anything between you?"

She shook her head, "Not anymore…I mean, I don't want there to be…I want this…you and me and Noah and Serena." She cried. "I want my babies to be happy."

He nodded, "Liv, I love Noah and Serena…I do…" he cleared his throat. "But you and me…we can't become something on the basis of wanting the kids to be happy. You know that, right?"

"I love you," she whispered.

"Do you?" he asked, "Because you said you love him?" He paced back and forth, waiting for her to answer, but all she did was cry. "Liv, you don't have to choose. Not right now. I mean, you know I don't want to get married. I'm happy single. I do care about you and the kids…more than anything…and I want what's best for you…"

"So, you don't love me?" she asked. "That's what you're saying."

"That's not what I'm saying," he sat back down beside her. "I'm saying that I know you are in a tough place…that you feel torn…but that you're also pregnant and hormonal…that rehab was hard for you and you're not in a good place right now…I don't want you choosing me because Noah wants a dad. And I don't want you choosing Elliot because he made you feel safe and loved years ago when you had no one else in your life." He ran his hand along the back of his neck and sighed, "Maybe…you just don't choose anyone. Maybe, you just take some time for yourself."

"I don't know if Elliot will understand that," she said seriously.

"Did he make a move on you today?" Rafael asked furiously.

"No…" she insisted. "He was great…it's me…I feel like you both want me to decide and I feel guilty when he's here because I know you are suspicious of him…of me…"

"Don't feel guilty," he smiled, sadly. "I asked him to come, remember. I wanted someone to stay with you. If you like having him here, it's okay. And I'm not going anywhere either. Until Serena is born, you need help, and you can decide about love and dating later."

"Really?" she asked. "Because it all feels so wrong."

"Hey…we're friends, right?" he forced a smile. "We said that early on…you don't have to feel guilty for having other people in your life. I'm your friend, regardless." She tried not to notice how the pain on his face made his words seem obsolete.

"Your daughter is starving," she sniffled, trying to dry her tears while changing the subject.

"Okay," he smiled, more genuinely this time, putting his mouth close to her belly. "What do you want for dinner, little one?" he asked and pressed his ear to her stomach. "She said she's not that hungry…and she's tired of you using her as an excuse to eat whatever you want," he laughed.

"She did not," Olivia chuckled, grabbing a throw pillow and tossing it at him.

"Hey don't blame me," he teased. "She's stubborn, like her mommy."

"Rafael…my stomach is growling…I'm hungry," she said seriously.

"Okay, okay…" he put his hand on her stomach and smiled. "Be patient little one. Papi will go get you food." He stood up and walked over to Noah, "Hey buddy…wanna come with Rafi to get dinner?" Noah reached for him and he picked him up, kissing the boy on the cheek and propping him on his hip. "We'll be back soon," he said, watching as Olivia leaned back on the sofa. "You rest…"

"I will," she promised, as she watched him walk out the door with her son. She wasn't sure how they could ever be _just friends_ again. They were obviously so much more.

 **tbc**


	16. Chapter 16

**Hey all! I'm back! Did you miss me? LOL**

 **Sorry it has taken so long for this update. I've been extra busy, but hopefully now I will have some time to write and update more frequently. Thanks for hanging in there with the story. I also appreciate all the PMs asking if I am okay. I am completely fine, just didn't have time to get online and write/post. Thanks for checking on me though.**

 **I hope you enjoy the chapter. Leave me a review and let me know. Thanks!**

"Olivia…" Elliot called as he pushed open the door to her apartment. Over the last few weeks they'd fallen into a routine. Rafael left for work, dropping Noah off at daycare and Elliot would arrive an hour or so later, make breakfast for Olivia and stay with her until mid afternoon. Then she would usually nap until Rafael and Noah came home. Elliot had been shocked when Rafael Barba confronted him about his feelings for Olivia the day after Olivia had returned home from the hospital, but he'd chosen to be honest. He loved her and always had, but he wanted her to be happy. He'd step back if she wanted to be with her child's father. He owed her that much. But Barba had made it clear to him that neither of them were going to try to sway Olivia. She was too fragile to be faced with that decision right now, and he wanted to be sure Elliot was willing to back off until she was more stable. He'd agreed, and they'd managed to move on…knowing their situation would look confusing to the outside eye…but knowing they both had to do what was best for Olivia. It had been hard, but Elliot tried to be gentle and supportive, without going too far or resorting to the flirting that had kept their partnership on the verge of becoming "something more" for over a decade. "Liv…" he called again, sitting the bag of bagels he'd purchased at the bakery down the street on the table and walking toward her bedroom. She was probably still asleep.

He pushed open the bedroom door, and while the blankets and sheets were disheveled, Olivia was nowhere to be found. "Olivia…where are you?" he called again, and then he heard a sound behind him and walked toward the bathroom. The door was closed, but the light was shining from underneath. He tapped softly on the door, "Liv…are you okay?" he asked, and her weak reply was muffled by the sound of gagging and retching. He pushed the door, and it opened a little, giving him a clear view of her leaning over the toilet while she emptied her stomach. "Hey…" he grabbed a wash cloth from the counter moistening it with cool water, and then knelt beside her, "It's okay. You have to calm down." He pressed the cool cloth against the back of her neck. "Try to breathe…"

"I don't feel good," she swallowed, leaning back against him and letting him rest the cool cloth against her forehead.

"I can see that," he sighed. "How long have you been throwing up?"

She shook her head slowly, "I don't know…since I woke up…" she ran her hand over the swell of her stomach, "I'm worried about the baby."

"I'm sure she's fine," he tried to assure her. He stood up, filling a cup with water and then kneeling beside her, lifting it to her lips. "Take a sip..." And he waited for her to drink, relieved when she seemed to be able to keep the water down. "There you go...this'll help."

"She's not moving, El. She should be moving and I can't feel her," Olivia sputtered.

Elliot reached his hand out, placing it carefully on her stomach. "Maybe she's sleeping..."

Olivia shook her head, "No...not through all this. She should be moving," her tears were streaming down her cheeks. "I'm scared..."

"I'm sure once you rest a little, she'll be moving around again. Let's get you in bed," Elliot took her hand and helped her stand, "Do you want me to carry you?" He asked seriously, but she shook her head no and leaned against him as he guided her back to the bed. He helped her lay back against the headboard, propping some pillows behind her back. "How are you feeling now?" He asked.

"I don't know," she mumbled. "Queasy..."

"Do you think you have the flu?" He asked. He put his hand to her forehead and she felt clammy, but not necessarily feverish. "I don't think you have a fever."

"I don't know...no one else has been sick," she took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. "Do you think you can get me some gingerale?" She asked and he nodded.

He walked back in a few minutes later with a glass of gingerale and the bag of bagels. He handed her the glass and she took a small sip, sitting it on the nightstand. "I'm not hungry," she insisted, looking at the bag.

He pulled out a bagel and tried to hand it to her, but she refused to take it, "I want you to try. The bread will be gentle on your stomach. Besides, maybe if you feed the little one she'll move for you. You know she likes to put on a show when you eat." He reached into the bag for the second bagel and held them both up, "Lemon poppyseed or blueberry?" He asked and she grimaced.

"Neither," she reached for the gingerale and took another sip, and she knew he wasn't going to give up on making her eat. The thought of the sickeningly sweet blueberries made her stomach flop, so she grabbed the lemon poppyseed and tore off a small bite, sticking it in her mouth. "There...are you happy?" She asked.

"I'll be happy when you eat a little more," he said, taking a bite of the blueberry bagel. "Did you tell Barba you were sick before he left this morning? He shouldn't have left you here alone."

Olivia shook her head, "He was gone before I woke up. It usually works better that way. Noah whines about wanting to stay with me if he sees me before Rafael takes him to daycare." She took another bite of the bagel and closed her eyes. "I hate being stuck at home all day. There's nothing to do...and when I get bored...I think about...stuff..."

He knew she was talking about the drinking. It was still hard for her, and even though she was in recovery, the desire to drink might always be there. He hated to think about her battling this addiction for the rest of her life. "I know," Elliot said gently. "How're you feeling with a little food in your stomach?"

"A little better," Olivia admitted. "Maybe I did need to eat," she took a few more bites and her eyes widened, "She's kicking..."

Elliot grinned, placing his hand on her stomach and feeling the baby move beneath. "See...I told you she was fine. She just wanted to eat. This girl loves her food."

Olivia laughed a little, "She's gonna be a chunk."

"Chubby babies are the cutest," Elliot winked as she finished the last bite of her bagel. He put his hand to her forehead again, thinking she felt less clammy than before. "Do you think you can get some sleep?" He asked.

She nodded, "I'm tired," she yawned. "I just don't feel right. I don't want to start throwing up again."

"Here," he grabbed the trash can and put it on the floor beside her bed. "Just in case." He watched as she curled up on her side and he pulled the covers up over her. "I'm gonna be in the other room...let you rest. Yell if you need me, okay." She mumbled something, but he couldn't understand her because she was almost asleep.

Elliot had been reading everything he could about vomiting in late pregnancy because even though it had been several years, he didn't remember Kathy going through that. He was worried that Olivia could be in labor. She'd already gone into premature labor once, and it would be harder to stop a second time. He didn't doubt Baby Serena would be okay, but she'd probably need NICU time and the stress of a premature infant might prove too much for Olivia. He really hoped she just had a bug and that it had run its course.

"El..." He heard her calling and rushed to the bedroom. She'd only been asleep about an hour and he'd really hoped she'd rest longer. He pushed open the door and saw her sitting on the edge of the bed, her hand caressing her stomach.

"You okay?" He asked. "Are you sick again?"

She shook her head, "I think something's wrong," she gasped, holding her breath and cringing at the pain. "El...I'm having contractions."

"Are you sure?" He rushed to her side and put his hand on her stomach, feeling the tight knot of labor beneath his hand. "Okay...let's breathe...you have to stop holding your breath, Olivia. That's not helping."

"I can't...it hurts," she argued. "I told you something was wrong..." She cried.

"I know you did," he took her arm and helped her stand. "Let's try walking...see if they let up."

She shook her head tearfully, "I want to go to the hospital." She gasped again, clutching her stomach in pain and he knew she was right. The contractions were too close together.

"All right," he agreed, helping her toward the door. "They might be able to stop your labor. Don't worry...everything's going to be fine."

Olivia had called Rafael on their way to the hospital, and she'd had to leave a message. By the time they reached the hospital she'd left three more voicemails, and had heard nothing back. He was in court, she knew that, but somehow she'd hoped he'd sense she needed him and check his phone. While they were examining her, taking labs, and doing a quick ultrasound, Elliot had called and finally got through to his secretary who promised she'd get the message to him, so now it was just the two of them waiting for Rafael while Olivia breathed through her contractions, that were thankfully lessening.

"I'm sorry I didn't bring you in when I got to the apartment," Elliot said seriously. "I should've known it wasn't right for you to be so sick."

"It's not your fault," she insisted. "I really thought it was probably a flu bug. I wasn't having contractions until after my nap," she sighed. "Do you think the contractions will stop for good? I haven't had one in a while."

Elliot shrugged, "I don't know," he said truthfully. "But I do know that if she's born now...at 33 weeks...she'll be just fine. She'll just need a little extra time to grow."

Her eyes filled with tears, "I just want her to stay put...she's had a rough start and she needs as much time as possible."

"Liv, it's gonna be okay," he promised her. "Even if she's early."

"I stayed in bed," she insisted. "I swear I did...I did everything the doctor said...but maybe the drinking early on...maybe there's not way to fix the damage that did to her..." Her thoughts were interrupted by Rafael rushing through the door.

"Oh my God, Liv," he ran to her side, leaning over and kissing her softly on the cheek. "I'm so sorry. I didn't get your messages...I was in court...no excuse, but..."

"It's okay," she had to smile at his anxiousness as he put his hand on her stomach, "We're all right...the contractions are getting weaker. They gave me something to stop them."

He put his mouth to her belly and spoke gently to his daughter, oblivious to the fact that Elliot was in the room, "Hey sweet girl," he whispered. "Papi's here. I love you." He looked up at Olivia, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," she said, tearfully. "I'm just scared..." He sat beside her and let her lean into him, noticing Elliot for the first time.

"Thanks for getting her here," he said seriously. Elliot nodded without speaking. Seeing them together, he knew. Olivia was not going to choose him. She was going to choose the father of her child, and as much as it hurt, he couldn't blame her.

"Excuse me," the on-call doctor stood in the doorway, his face was blank and it was hard to read.

"I'm feeling better," Olivia told him. "If the contractions stop, can I go home? I don't want to stay any longer than I have to."

The doctor entered the room, followed by a short woman with dark hair, "This is Mrs. Hopkins, from social services," he explained. "I called her because of the results of your lab work."

"What? Why?" Olivia asked nervously. She remembered her first encounter with social services when her pregnancy was confirmed, but they had pretty much left her alone since she'd completed rehab. She didn't expect to see a social worker now. "I don't understand..."

"Your tox screen was positive," the doctor said sternly. "I'm required to report it."

"I'm afraid we're going to have to make arrangements for the baby to go into foster care once she's born," the social worker explained. "You were warned about this earlier in your pregnancy when the fetus was exposed to alcohol."

"No!" Olivia argued. "I didn't do drugs. I don't know what you're talking about."

Rafael looked at her, his face red with anger, "What the hell did you do?" He yelled.

"Nothing," she cried. "I didn't do anything...you know I wouldn't take drugs. How the hell would I even get them. I'm locked in the apartment all day."

"You reported vomiting this morning," the doctor looked through is records. "That could be a side effect of the opiates that showed up on your tox screen." Elliot stared at her, remembering finding her that morning. As sick as she'd been, he'd never considered it was due to her coming down from a high...but maybe he should have. She'd been doing remarkably well without drinking, but maybe that was because she'd replaced the alcohol with drugs. He couldn't really believe that though. Olivia would never do that...but then again he'd never thought she'd drink during her pregnancy either.

"I've _never_ done drugs," she sputtered. " _Never_...this is a mistake..."

"I think she had a stomach bug," Elliot offered, but no one was listening. "I know her...she wouldn't do that. Can you run the labs again?"

"We're going to need to make arrangements for the baby until you complete a court ordered rehab," the social worker ignored her pleas of innocence. "Then there will be supervised visitation...you can possibly regain custody if it is determined you can care for the child after a length of time."

"I've been through rehab," Olivia insisted. "I haven't had a drink since...and I sure as hell haven't done any drugs. Why don't you believe me?"

"You're not taking my daughter," Rafael argued. "I'll take her. We're not married...I have my own apartment...I want custody." He looked at Olivia, his anger burning into her. He'd trusted her. He'd believed her when she said she was staying sober, and yet she'd lied to him again. Why hadn't he learned his lesson before now? He just hoped Serena was okay. "Is the baby okay?" He asked. "She's not sick..."

"She looks fine on the ultrasound," the doctor offered. "We won't know for sure until she's born."

"If you take custody," the social worker said, "I'll need to make sure your home is safe." She looked at Olivia, her face clear of emotion, "You'll need to remain here for the duration of your pregnancy. We can't take any chances."

"Fuck you..." Olivia screamed. "Get out! All of you...get out!"

"Olivia..." Elliot was at her side, trying to calm her, but she wasn't listening. "Calm down...you have to stay calm if you want to fix this."

"Go to hell," she yelled, before bursting into uncontrollable sobs. "I didn't do this...no one believes me. You can all go to hell!"

Rafael looked at her, and his heart was broken. He wanted to believe her. After all they'd been through, he wanted to believe her, but he couldn't. His daughter's safety was at stake. "What about Noah?" He said with a quiver.

"Who is Noah?" The social worker asked, looking through her paperwork.

"Her two year old son," Rafael answered sadly. "I can take him."

"I didn't know there was another child. We may have to start with a foster home," the social worker seemed frustrated by the situation. She'd obviously spent so many years seeing children hurt by unfit parents that she'd lost her ability to trust.

Olivia's sobs turned to sniffles, as she tried to calm herself at the thought of her little boy. "I didn't do drugs, Rafael...I swear," she pleaded. "Please believe me. Don't let them take Noah."

"Please..." As angry as he was, Rafael's heart was broken for Olivia and he looked seriously at the social worker. "Let me take him. I'll do whatever you need me to do. Don't put him in foster care. Please...I'm begging you...he doesn't deserve to punished for this."

"Let's talk in the hall," the social worker motioned Rafael and the doctor out the door and they followed quietly.

Olivia cried, not sure she'd ever be able to convince them that she was innocent. "I didn't do this," she said again, and she felt Elliot pull her into a gentle embrace. "They're gonna take my babies...Noah and Serena...and I didn't do this, El. I swear to God...I didn't do this."

"I know you didn't," he held her close, feeling the warmth of her tears moistening his shirt, and he knew she was telling the truth. "And I'm gonna prove it. I promise."

 **Hmmmmmm...more to come. Let me know your thoughts!**


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello all! Here is an update...within a week! I bet you're as surprised as I am about that. I loved all the reviews. I know some of you were very confused, but some figured it out (smarties.) Anyway...read, enjoy, and let me know what you think. I always love reading your responses. :)**

Elliot walked up the steps to the luxury apartment building, and stopped in the lobby. It looked more like a hotel than a home, but it didn't surprise him. The cold, sterile environment seemed to fit. The doorman stopped him and asked his name and who he was visiting, and Elliot sighed, wishing he still had a badge so he could just enter without permission. "Elliot Stabler," he said. "I need to see Rafael Barba." He waited while the man called up to the apartment, and the look on his face made him wonder if he would hang up and turn him away, but after a few minutes he looked at Elliot and motioned him to the elevator, rambling off the apartment number, and Elliot pushed the elevator button quickly in the hopes that he'd reach the apartment before Barba changed his mind.

He thought about Olivia as he stood in the dark elevator, listening to the clicks as it passed floor after floor. She was sleeping when he left…finally. It had taken forever to calm her down, and even though her tears had stopped, he knew she was still broken inside. It didn't help that as soon as she'd been labeled a drug user than the demeanor of the hospital staff had changed as well. The nurses didn't smile and chat with her when they came in to take her vitals. The doctor barely spoke a word when he checked to make sure she wasn't dilating, and even when Olivia asked him to let her hear the baby's heartbeat, he'd dismissed her request. She was sick and pregnant and scared, and no one deserved the treatment she was getting. No one.

The elevator doors opened and he stepped out into a hallway that was as boring as the lobby with stark white walls and tile floors. He knocked on the door, and it swung open quickly as Barba stood there, staring at him, "What the hell are you doing here?" he asked. "I don't need you to come here and lecture me. I know what you're going to say…"

"No…" Elliot argued and let himself into the apartment. It was neat as a pin, but more colorful and charming than he'd expected. Noah was sitting on the burgundy leather sofa, watching a cartoon and drinking milk from a sippy cup and Elliot smiled at the sight of the boy, relieved he wasn't in foster care. "They let you take Noah?" he asked.

Rafael nodded, "Yes…for now. There will be a hearing. I'm trying to figure out what I need to do to get ready for it. This is a one bedroom and I have to prove I have room for Noah and the baby before they'll grant me custody." The stoic look on his face disappeared briefly and seemed to be replaced with a hint of grief. "I can't believe she did this…"

"I don't think she did," Elliot insisted.

"I knew you would say that," Rafael shook his head. "You think you know her…but you don't. You don't know how bad it was with the drinking…and now this…"

"She loves her kids," Elliot argued. "She would never do something like this. The drinking was bad. I'm not denying that. But she got help. She was doing better. There's no way."

"She tested positive for opiates!" Rafael sputtered. "That doesn't just happen."

"It was a mistake," Elliot cringed. "I don't know how…but it had to be a mistake. How the hell would she even get drugs? She's home all day…"

"I don't know," Rafael ran his hand across the back of his neck in frustration. "But I'm not with her all the time. Neither are you. Maybe she had someone bring them to her…you meet a lot of creeps on this job…"

"Has she ever seemed high to you?" Elliot asked. "Ever?"

Rafael sat down on the sofa, his face barring the pain of the situation. "No," he reluctantly admitted. "Mostly…she just seems tired and sad. I knew she was struggling…" his eyes blurred with tears. "I should've been home more to help her…to make sure she was okay…"

Elliot sat in the chair next to the sofa, looking Rafael in the eyes. "She didn't do this. You know that…"

"Do I?" Rafael's voice quivered. "All I know…is that less than a year ago I was a single, successful attorney. I could work however long I wanted, go out for drinks, date…I had a life. And now…" he looked at Noah who was still staring at the TV. "I never wanted this…any of this…the kids…the family…" he sighed. "I don't want to be a single dad for crying out loud. I mean, I love Noah…and of course I love my daughter too…but there are days I want to just run away and never come back. And now I'm going to have to do all of this myself…because she fucking screwed up!"

"You don't want this?" Elliot sputtered. "You're a real piece of shit…do you know that? This isn't about you. It's about her…and those kids. They need her. She didn't use drugs. I thought maybe I could convince you to help me find a way to prove that, but I see I'm wasting my time." He stood up and walked to the door.

"Wait!" Rafael called after him, standing to his feet. "How's she doing…I mean, considering…"

"Not well," Elliot said, walking out the door.

Rafael had begged his mother to keep an eye on Noah for a while, not giving her a reason for Olivia's disappearance. He knew he'd have hell to pay when he got back home, but for now he peeked his head around the door of her room, seeing Olivia sitting up in bed, a tray of mushy hospital food in front of her. He wanted to say something…he _needed_ to say something…anything…but he couldn't find the words. He just stood there and watched her take a bite, her face sickened at whatever it was they'd served for dinner. Then he saw her put her hand on her stomach and push gently, "Move for Mommy…" she whispered to the baby. "I know this food isn't what you're used to. I'm sorry…"

"Liv…" his voice cracked and she turned to look at him, her face pale with the realization that he was there in her doorway and she didn't have anyone else to protect her from his wrath. She wasn't afraid of him…not physically...but she knew his words would cut like a knife and she wasn't ready to face that again.

"What're you doing here?" she asked.

Rafael walked into the room, standing by her bed and he could've sworn she pulled her body away from him as much as she could while confined to the bed. "I wanted to check on you," he said softly. "How're you feeling?" He expected her to get angry, to make him leave, but she didn't.

"The baby's fine," she promised, taking another bite of her food.

"I'm glad, but I didn't ask about her," he said, sitting in the chair by her bed. "I want to know how _you're_ feeling. You've had one hell of a day."

"I feel like if I didn't have this baby growing inside of me I'd just slit my wrists and get it over with," she sputtered. "Maybe after she's safe and sound in her new home with _you_ …I will."

"Liv…" he wasn't sure if she was serious or not, but it scared him.

"What?" she asked. "You want me to say I feel fine…happy to be stuck here with people who think I'm a drug abuser…that I'm relieved my kids have been taken away from me. I can't say that, Rafael…even if it would take away your guilt."

"I'm not the one who decided you couldn't keep the kids," he argued. "You can't blame me for that. At least they have _me_ …Noah would be in a foster home right now if I hadn't taken him…and neither of us want that."

"Oh, well then thank you… _thank you very much_ ," she rolled her eyes. "I really appreciate the way you failed to stand up for me when that social worker was here. How you just believed them and went along with everything." She felt tears welling in her eyes and tried to hold them back. "I want you to leave now."

"Olivia," he said softly. "I'm gonna ask them to rerun the test. That's why I came up here." He looked down at the way her hospital gown pulled tight against her stomach and he longed to reach out and touch her, but he didn't dare. "Maybe if it's negative, they'll change their minds about custody."

"They already redid it," she couldn't stop the tears from sliding down her cheeks. "Elliot threw a fit until they did…" she quickly brushed away her tears.

"Then…everything is okay now?" he asked, but he knew it wasn't.

She shook her head, "It was still positive." She burst into uncontrollable sobs and he sat and stared at her in disbelief. After his talk with Elliot he was convinced a new test would show she was clean. He didn't know what to think now.

"Did you take _anything_?" he asked nervously. "Maybe just a pain pill or something you could have mistaken as safe…I know you had a lot of scripts after the Lewis attack...if any of those were lying around and you took one to ease the pain..." he was grasping and he knew it.

" _I didn't take anything_ ," she sobbed. "I would never put Serena at risk like that. I know you don't believe me. No one does…except Elliot. He told me he'd ask at work tonight and see if there is anything they know of that can make someone test positive even if they've never done drugs. But I'm scared…and I need you to leave. I can't get this worked up again. Serena hates it, and she's already kicking my ribs. I can't do this anymore…" her voice trailed off.

"Liv…" he stood up and took her hand, squeezing it tight. "Calm down…please…you're going to go back into labor. Just settle down and eat," he looked at the bland food on her tray and wished he'd thought to bring her something better.

She grabbed her hand away and glared bitterly at him, "Don't touch me," she spewed.

"Okay," he knew she wasn't going to accept his help. "Just try to eat. Have you even eaten today?"

She shook her head slowly, "They didn't give me lunch. I couldn't because of the contractions and they weren't sure if they'd have to deliver the baby," she dipped her spoon in the beige colored mashed potatoes, but failed to raise it to her lips. "I'm not hungry. Can you just go? Please…leave me alone."

"You've had nothing all day," he reminded her. "Serena needs to eat."

"I had a bagel," she argued. "Elliot made me eat it this morning…after I'd been throwing up. It was gross…some lemon thing with tiny seeds that kept getting stuck in my teeth…but it was fine…"

"Seeds?" Rafael asked as realization hit him. "What kind of seeds?"

She shrugged, "I don't know…why does it matter? I feel queasy and I don't want to eat this…"

"Olivia…" he grabbed her and turned her head so she was looking him straight in the eye, and he could tell the action had shocked her. "Were they poppy seeds?" he asked anxiously. "Did you eat poppy seeds this morning?"

"I…I don't know…" she was confused by his reaction to her breakfast. "I think…yeah I think they were…"

"Oh my God," he ran his hands through his hair and flopped back down in the chair. "Liv…" his voice shook. "Poppy seeds can give you a false positive drug test. I tried a case a while back where the defendant was a drug user, but they kept claiming his tests were invalid because he was eating poppy seeds. It didn't work because he was in jail and they won't even serve them there because of the issue with the tests…"

" _What_?" her eyed widened. "You mean…the bagel did this…"

"I think so," he shook with adrenaline as he thought of the next steps. "I can't believe this…"

"I can't either," she cried. "Are the poppy seeds dangerous for the baby? They weren't on the list of foods I'm not supposed to eat…I mean, I don't think they are…"

"No…it should be fine," he tried to assure her. "The processing is what causes the drug test to be positive. I don't even understand the whole thing, but I do know if they tested you for drugs they should've asked what you'd eaten first. Did they?"

"No…" she shook her head. "Rafael…I _swear_ …I didn't do drugs. I would never hurt Serena that way. Even when I drank I made myself throw it up, remember?"

"I know…I know…" he put his hand on the swell of her stomach, feeling his daughter moving around. "I'm so sorry, Liv. I should've believed you. I was scared…"

"Just fix this," she pleaded. "I want to go home and I want my son back."

"I will," he promised. "Don't worry…"

""I need to call Elliot," she said, grabbing the phone and ignoring Rafael's attempt at an apology. He nodded and watched as she put the phone to her ear.

"I'm going to go find the doctor," he said, taking his hand away from her stomach and walking toward the door. She'd never forgive him, and he honestly didn't blame her, but she needed him to clear her name, so that was the least he could do.

 **tbc**


End file.
